I told myself that I would continue writing each day and I’ve not done it any justice, yet here I am. Hopefully this time I’ll be able to contribute more words.
Over the past few months I’ve been doing the best I can to work on myself physically and mentally. I tend to judge things and act before I think, therefore I’ve given myself a set of rules to follow before I speak or send messages.
Rule #1: Think of the other person’s feelings before you speak or do anything irrational.
Rule #2: Deliver a statement that is wholesome and true, being longer than a single word response.
Rule#3: Be true to yourself and don’t say anything you’ll regret.
Rule#4: Don’t overwhelm people, they have their own world to worry about.
Rule #5: Don’t be selfish.
I think it’s okay to be selfish sometimes though, don’t you think? I have no clue who reads these or if anyone does for that matter but I guess I don’t really care as long as I’m able to put my thoughts into paragraphs. I only really want you to “stumble” onto these journal entries because I’m too afraid to confess my feelings to you in person.
I remain true to some of these rules… but occasionally with you, I break the fourth one. From the moment I wake up to the moment I drift into sleep, you are already on my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I think of myself too and do what I need to do in order to maintain and create a better life style but you exist in subtle moments throughout the day, kind of like how the sun’s rays occasionally pierce the clouds as the day goes by. At the very least for myself, I stop what I’m doing and enjoy the momentary lapse of warmth and serenity while the overcast temporarily ceases. Alas this is California, and the sun is shining ever so brightly throughout the day without haze in sight.
Before I go any further let me explain something, In my life I’ve always thought that a man never cheats and stays loyal to his promises. I’ve always kept my promises. In this world we live in, a lot of men (that I’ve encountered) brag about how many girls/women they’ve slept with and how long they can fuck, but not once a story about how they loved someone. Why is it frowned upon by today’s standards to just love one person and NOT have an extreme amount of intimate partners? In my life I’ve had 4 sexual partners, most of my “friends” are up in the double digits. But of those four, they were all girlfriends or someone I was dating that was really important to me. The first woman basically forced herself on me then proceeded to break my heart two weeks later, the second was a siren who put my heart back together only to gain access to it to destroy my soul, the 3rd was my “the notebook” moment, and the fourth….okay… we’ll just call her the fourth.
We dated for maybe 3 months or so. At the time I thought she was special, but she proved to be someone who still wanted to explore intimacies and let loose. She wasn’t ready for a relationship, hell I don’t even know if I am. What I do know is that I don’t have time to waste on people, and I wasted three months but learned something really special. Every. Single. Day. I thought about you. I felt like I was cheating on you, I couldn’t ever focus on the fourth. But you were still with your boyfriend at the time so why did I feel like I was cheating on you? So perhaps my relationship with the fourth was my fault too, my feelings were never there for that person because they were always with you.
I realized I was breaking my final rule, so I broke things off with her. She was 3 years younger than I was, to me that felt like an eternity. Someone needed an education on how to be in a relationship, and I didn’t have the time to teach. The fourth couldn’t understand how I could just end things even though I tried my best to explain things to her. I’m still sorry, as sorry as I can be, the heart and mind can’t be at the same place at once, but with you… THE you, both are there…almost 2 years now.
I’ve never told you or gave you a decent enough hint for you to know how I feel, but in every playlist on spotify I make for you it’s there. In every moment I spend with you in person it’s there. In every food related item I’ve made for you (the labor of love) it’s there. Even though maybe you don’t realize it, every move I make I always hope you’ll catch a hint and reciprocate it back, but you don’t…or maybe I’m too stupid to realize that you’ve done so.
In the end, if we never become a thing that’s okay. I’ve been down and out in my life, I’ve experienced rock bottom. The best thing about rock bottom is that there’s only one direction to go from there and it’s up and I’ve climbed out a decent amount of times. If those bad times have taught me anything, it’s that I’m loved and someone out there is deserving of the love I want to give. Emotionally thinking with my heart, it’s with you. Using a bit of logic… even if I don’t know it now, maybe someday years from now I can look back at this and show my lover how incredibly fucked up I felt at the time. I’ll be able to show you how I longed for the moment where we finally found each other and the struggle I was going through to find you.