When I was very young I was crying underneath the crib in my bedroom. I’m not sure if it was mine at the time or one of my siblings. I’m not totally sure how old I was then either but I’m guessing I was around five or six. For some reason I had crawled under the crib when something upset me. It was in this moment that I heard my own voice very clearly in my head say to me “Why are you still crying? Stop it.”
And I did. It was very strange. It was my own voice in my mind but it felt more like it came to me, like I didn’t choose to think it. Also it wasn’t a voice of comfort. It said it as if it was mocking me and I looked stupid.
This is the earliest moment I can think of where I was able to step outside of my own emotions and modify my behaviour.
When I was around fourteen or fifteen I met a girl through my friend. At first I was a little intimidated by her because she had highlights in her hair and a nice face. I didn’t know at the time but her and my friend had grown up on the same street, and their parents were actually engaged. So through hanging out with him I interacted with her.
Then I moved away. I continued to message my friend online. I was walking home from school when I realised very suddenly that I could potentially add her as a contact, pretend to be interested in her as a person more than I was, I initiate a romantic relationship, visit her when I visited my friend and then use her for sex.
And that’s exactly what I did. That night I added her, flirted and initiated a relationship. It was very quick and more clumsy than it sounds but I ultimately had my intentions and saw them through. We both had our first kiss and sexual experiences the first time I visited. Not long after we lost our viriginty to eachother.
Years later, and after many significant events I began another relationship. I met her at a party and immediately recognised her as someone who could be emotionally manipulated very easily. She was more difficult to start with but after a week things were in motion, and I think maybe three weeks in we had a sexual relationship. This relationship lasted for a lot longer than I had anticipated. The entire time I punctuated any nice thing I said to her with a thought along the lines of “you idiot, none of this is true.”
There were a lot of intense and emotional moments during that relationship. Conversations that would go on for hours and reactions to stories. Absolutely none of it was real. I was quite proud of myself. I felt comfortable enough with this person to act, and was aware that they weren’t going to be a permanent part of my life so I could act without it affecting much.
The relationship eventually crashed and burned. Spectacularly. It was a perfect dramatic finale. Large parts were planned and orchestrated but even the parts I couldn’t account for fell into place perfectly.
We didn’t speak for years. I’ve been seeing her again now. I don’t know what I’m trying to accomplish now besides personal satisfaction.
When I was 20 I tried to kill myself. There were a lot of elements and reasons but I truly feel in the actual moment it was because I was bored and wanted to see what would happen. A lot of my friends and family had dramatic reactions and I liked that. I spent nearly two weeks in the hospital, and I liked that too.
I just really enjoy playing with things. I’m not awful at it but I wish I was better. Sometimes I wonder or think I want to be normal, but I usually accept that I’ll never be fully. So I wish I was fully manipulative. I wish I had more people.