I haven’t written because things have taken a huge spiral downwards. I’ve been wasting heaps of money buying benzodiazepine medication over the internet. I know, I promised myself and my older sister I would never get into this medication again but things have been genuinely tough since my son was born. I didn’t think my dad would get so much worse in his mental health, I didn’t think my mum would get cancer and show such seemingly constant harsh, dismissive, passive aggressive behaviour and I didn’t think Harry’s father would take me to court with such lies and accusations. A lot of the purchased medication I have taken, most I threw away in the end because of Harry…and one package was intercepted by my parents and that caused my mum to try force me to open a package this morning in front of her which I refused to do. They keep saying it’s because I still live here that they deserve to do things like that but they seem to do the whole “we’ve supported you this far how can you do this under our roof” and in a lot of respects they are correct. But the pair of them will never understand how much I want to leave this hell home and have my own place without their shit and my shit to constantly cross-transfer on each other because that is what is messing me up right now.
I know I shouldn’t buy this medication but I have been to see a GP twice in the last few weeks. One I admitted to buying medication over the internet and I showed him the latest of my self injury scars that I went through very briefly and acutely a few weeks back. The first GP appointment was with a GP that didn’t know me so I only asked for an increase in my already prescribed medication and I gave her a brief sketch of the truth, I am in a tough situation that I can’t financially get out of like I want to, even if I didn’t attempt to buy so many benzodiazepines over the internet. Truth is I can’t afford private home rental and I have been on a housing waiting list for nearly two years and have heard nothing. I’m not saying what I’ve been doing isn’t wrong and that my parents are to blame for everything, I have tried to reach out for help I have seen a fucking GP twice and God knows why the second GP didn’t raise any concerns for Harry after confessing I was buying this medication over the internet and showing him my most recent self-injury but I think he didn’t say anything in an attempt to give me a chance with a new, different type of non-addictive medication to ease my returning anxieties that have been brought on by a number of different things; my parents illnesses and the stresses I am faced with at home (hearing my mum screaming and crying late at night, her swearing at my dad etc) my dad’s severe downward spiral that have led to a number of things I haven’t wanted to see like my two year old welding my dad’s crossbow and pretending it was a plane and constantly cleaning a bathroom floor covered top to toe in his urine and shit and my poor my mum has had to do this also, my son catching cold after cold since his return to nursery two afternoons a week in January meaning I have also been ill with cold after cold since January and now it’s fucking April. I can see all the reasons, I can see it all happening and I have no excuse but benzodiazepines make things feel much fucking better alright?! Lorazepam and zopiclone are giving me the break I cannot seem to find myself from the things I am coming across in life. I honestly think my life would be better if my parents didn’t let me live here anymore. I want them to tell me and Harry to leave because that would put my name much MUCH higher on the council housing waiting list and I think I honestly would be MUCH better off****
A few hours later… got interrupted by my mother again, but I tried to be honest with her. I am not sure things are going to be ok…I feel like the devil in disguise and that there’s blood on my hands that I can never get rid of…but if I’m not here my family lose everything. including Harry. And Harry would lose his mum. If you’ve failed in life, don’t fail as a mother even though I probably already have.