waiting

I tried to break up with Ian yet again.  He’s refusing to go and keeps telling me it’s in my head.  It’s not in my head that he suddenly (since I busted his chops over his mustache smelling like pussy and he didn’t give me a blow job) on Sunday.  He won’t say I love you any more without me initiating it.  He barely looks at me.  All he does is piddles with his damned cell phone.  I can’t tell if he’s playing games or texting with the bitch.  I don’t know why he doesn’t go to her.  She claims to be rich and is pregnant with his child and he is helping her name it.  The fact that he’s helping her name it, as far as I’m concerned, is an admission of guilt that he knocked her up.  She claims to own 4 houses which means she has money.  I have nothing except a  cat, a car, a cat tree, a set of golf clubs that are left handed (in other words they’re worthless) and an old pair of snow skis and boots.  I have no money and nothing to liquidate for cash.  Why does he keep staying with me?  I know she’ll be more than happy to take him in.  By the texts she sent him she’s madly in love with him and wants nothing more than to be with him.  She’ll take him in an instant and can afford to buy him beer and fix the brakes on his car.  I can’t do any of that.  Just put a roof over his head and provide crappy food.  I have nothing.  I am nothing.  Just a thrown away piece of trash that nobody wants.  He can’t even look me.  He can’t even say, I love you Kim any more.  Now that’s over now because I caught him giving another woman a blow job and sex.  Last night he came to me and I prayed to the gods that he wanted sex but all he wanted was a hand job.  He doesn’t even want intercourse with me any more.  That’s the most insulting part.  I’ve been willing to let him give me a hand job driving in the car under my skirt.  I’ve been willing to give him a hand job in the car as we’re driving…all in broad daylight and in heavy traffic.  We even went hiking and played with each other out there.  I’ve put up with him peeing in bed when he was too drunk to wake up and go to the bathroom.  I even changed the sheets and brought in the air mattress and blew it up to sleep on and put up the mess later.  I’ve spent all day washing one and even two sets of sheets the next day and being thankful this new place had a plastic sheet on the bed.  This new place is horrible.  I don’t feel safe and he keeps blowing me off.  The cops are here several times throughout the day.  Every day.  At the other place I only saw them there one time in several months and they towed off 2 cars and arrested people.  I’m sure they weren’t residents.

Why doesn’t he just go away and leave me alone and let me get on with my life?  That’s all I want is to be left alone and get on with my sorry life such as it is.

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