first

I’ve wanted to cry all day and I’m not going to let myself to. I have so much going on and I don’t even know how I’m supposed to do all of it without giving up sleep or my sanity.

Everyday that I sit in class I regret coming here. P is too hard for me. I’ve never been that exceptionally smart, just had a lot of practice and school forced down my throat but I was good at absorbing it because it was basic. Now that I don’t have that, I don’t perform nearly as well as I used to. I convince myself it’s because everyone is smart here so I look worse in comparison, but that doesn’t take away the fact that I’m feeling this without comparing most of the time. I struggle to do homeworks on my own and with others, I can’t get good grades on exams, I don’t understand or absorb most of what is taught. When comparing, it’s even worse. I’m in the bottom 40% of my year, which I guess does’t sound that bad but really close to bottom 20% actually ( did some comparisons with friend who got close to my GPA but only a tiny bit lower. he was bottom 20% ). I get that there are other people in that bracket with me obviously but it still feels so bad coming from the high school top 5% (give or take). It’s stupid, I get that grades don’t define you and it ultimately doesn’t matter because I (falsely) feel entitled to a job after I graduate, but I still can’t get it out of my system. School was made my priority for me. Now I can’t undo it because I have nothing else in life. 

This is the hard part. I almost cried (pretty much did) in 217 today because of this and it’s so fucking pathetic. I bet my professor saw me. The guy next to me definitely thought I was a weirdo or knew I was crying or both, and I have to see him in prec. every week so he knows-ish who I am. I’m almost crying now, sitting alone in my room when I should be studying. I genuinely don’t have anything to do with my life if I don’t have school. I have no interests or hobbies or anything. My very very very few extracurriculars revolve around academics too. 

I don’t know who to blame for that other than myself, maybe my family if I really want to stretch it. I never thought to gain interests in things because I was so focused on school. I didn’t have the opportunity, but I would’ve been offered if I asked. Money was not abundant but not scarce enough to deny me a normal life either. Yet I’m still sitting here doing nothing and knowing nothing and liking nothing and being good at nothing.

{didn’t work. crying now. starting to regret this. H— came knocking on my door just now and wouldn’t stop and I couldn’t answer it because I’m fucking crying so I tried to stop, then before I could he asked if A– was here. Wasn’t even for me. Clearly not important. }

If academics went better for me here, maybe I wouldn’t be like this or at least this bad. I’m stupid. I can’t do any of the work here and I don’t know why other than I’m not smart enough. It feels like my brain is not working at all 50% of the time and the other 50% is varying levels of focus that doesn’t result in knowledge gain at all. Because of this I can’t even bring myself to work hard to get the grades I want. I have a midterm later today, and tomorrow. Haven’t really studied for either one, but I somehow thought this would be a more productive way to spend the little time I have left of the night before I give up. 

I want to switch out of E— and into L– as a major but I don’t think it’s a good idea. I’m being emotional over the fact that I’m dumb and can’t do the work (math again next year if i don’t switch plus hard e— classes that are badly rated). I don’t think I should switch for the simple reason that I enjoy 201 right now. Doing fake double track next fall will kill me though. I can’t do all that work. I want to decide but I don’t think I can.

{i stopped crying. cant tell if i forced that cry earlier either. i do that all the time because i like to feel sorry for myself}

I had an interview today but I realize my life is so upside down and a mess. I love helping others. I rather spend time helping others than myself. I do it daily with K—- and I don’t care at all that it’s hypocritical of me. I don’t care at all if I’m getting worse if other people are getting better in return. 

There is a line though. A– is being so immature these days with the situation going on but I really just cannot continue to sympathize much more. I understand the issue. I agree it’s an issue. But shut up. Don’t say things you don’t mean. Don’t say things you won’t do. Don’t do the same things (in a different way and at a different level) that E—- is doing. I almost blew up at her today to tell her to shut the fuck up. Everyone else is not as immature as she is about the situation, but they still are making jokes about it and making it worse. Besides the situation, everyone is still too immature. Fucking coddled babies need to get some respect and common sense and maturity slapped into their face so they will grow up. I don’t care that you didn’t have it “bad” as a kid (“like I did”, apparently.), that doesn’t mean you grow up like a spoiled and annoying piece of crap that doesn’t have any sense of what is too much or wrong. My mom always said I can’t be so bossy or ‘grown up’ or ‘snarky’ around people because I wouldn’t make friends but I don’t want to be friends with people who are not on this level of maturity. If I stuck to that rule, I’d legitimately have 0 friends because I don’t think anyone I’m currently friends with is at this level. Call me uptight, maybe I am a little, but there is a line between jokes/fun and real life. I know that line. I separate them with a big margin, unlike people who blend them or only separate by a tiny margin. I’m done with everyone. This is going to revert back to everyone calling me heartless and emotionless. I almost cried the last time someone said that. I almost cried the last time someone said “I don’t think we’ll ever see V cry over anything.” I had cried the night before that. I’ve cried more often than I ever have these past few months (including right now, again. fuck.). At home over break(s), it was every day. Here, it’s at least a few times a week/every other day if not more. It’s not going to get any better until after I’m done with the term. 

side note, I want to get checked out but I’m scared of what they’ll tell me. I don’t want there to be something, but I want to know why I feel like this, but I don’t want it to give me a reason to continue my behavior. I hate it.

I’ve never done something like this before. Paper journals never appealed to be because my handwriting is disgusting to look at and I would hate it. I don’t have time for that either, but I guess I do if I have time for this (which essentially I don’t but I choose to waste my time every fucking day anyway). Either way, I thought maybe this would help. This is barely the tip of the iceberg. Still, I feel like it did nothing good at all (made me cry though. the rest of it is still stuck in my throat). I don’t have much incentive to do this again. I know I like to excessively complain to myself in my head, so this is going to enable that and blow it out of proportion so I don’t want that. I don’t know if I’ll do this again. Definitely not until after I fail my midterms this week. This hasn’t helped, I’ve decided. It’s airing out my grievances but by putting them in view before my eyes, I think about them more and enable myself. I don’t know what to do now except go finish cramming. I’ve had a really bad pain in the back of my head all day too and it’s coming back right now, plus the usual eye soreness. Give me a medical reason to leave school, please. I don’t want an inconvenience, I want a legitimate reason to quit, except I know I still would end up staying. I’m stupid and hypocritical and two-sided like that all the time. I’m going to give up on this exam soon and just cry about it when I get the grade back. There isn’t anything to do now.

One thought on “first”

  1. I have some pressure in my life right now, it’s nothing like yours but I recognize my symptoms in you. You have too much pressure on you. It’s not that you are stupid it’s just that it’s impossible to work with that kind of pressure. You need to rest, to take a break. I don’t mean take a few minutes with a coffee. quit school, find a few jobs, work hard but without too much responsibility on your shoulders and when you have enough money go travel for a bit. When you return, when you feel better with yourself, think hard if you want to go back to school. I hope you take my advice, you don’t have to actually do it all but try to take a break and breath a little. good luck.

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