all over again

This is the third time I’ve tried to break up with him today and all that keeps happening is him getting mad.  He complained that I keep shutting down and won’t talk to him.  But when I do try to talk to him he gets mad and tells me I’m all wrong and he’s right.  I don’t know what to do.  I want to be broke up because he’s not willing to take care of me in bed and I’m not going to go out and cheat on him.  I can’t in good conscious meet someone else for sex.  I don’t know what to do.   Had some one suggest masturbation but I have no place to go to do it to satisfy my wants and needs for sex.  Somebody please tell me what to do.  I’ve even thought of sneaking out on him on the 2nd of next month and heading back for Amarillo.  Problem is I hate Amarillo.  The services for people like me on disability are so severely limited that I was slipping through the cracks.  Not that I think it will be much better in Dallas.  There’s no place for me to stay in Dallas that I can afford other than a shelter and I can’t take Murray there with me.  I’d have to sleep in the car to keep him and that’s no place for a cat to have to live.  Animals should have a home whether it be an apartment, motel or house.  The street is no place for a pet but that’s where I’d have to live.    Although that almost seems appealing….the tent and the air mattress but I can’t do that any more with Murray.  Kaleb had me get Murray to try to settle me down and stay in one place.  I can’t have the one thing in the world that I want.  A man to satisfy me in bed and out that’s kind to me.  I’ll never find that.  I can’t help but cry the last few days because of the situation.  I can’t get rid of him.  My only option is going to a shelter.  I’d have to walk because I’d have to leave the car for Ian to use…and the room and food that I paid for.  I’d lose it all, including Murray.  He’ll never have sex with me again.  I’m just to repulsive to him….I can tell because he looks at me like he wants to puke especially if I’m naked or near naked.  Why won’t he just cut me loose and get on with my life.  I’ve been picking fights for 3 or 4 days now trying to get him to leave me and go to his rich, pregnant ex  girlfriend.  Why did he throw her over for me, anyway, since he seems to love her and not me.  She’s rich.  She can afford a reasonable roof, decent food….fix his car.  She can and is providing him with a child that I can’t.  His AFF profile says he wants kids.  I can’t give him kids, ever.  WHY WON’T HE LEAVE ME FOR THE BITCH?  I can’t give him anything he wants or needs.  He basically just admitted I was just ok in bed…..she’s probably young and beautiful and good at sex.  And me, I’m old and ugly.  Nobody wants me….I’m just trash to be thrown away.  I’m not worth anything and never have been.  I’m sure I never will be.  I’m past my prime and never did amount to anything.

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