i miss you

Hey. I don’t know if you can actually read this or see any of this but it makes me feel a little better thinking that you can. If I’m being honest I still haven’t accepted it. I haven’t and I know that’s bad but I can’t I just can’t. You can not be gone. My whole world, my first love, my best friend, MY EVERYTHING. You can’t be gone. What kind of fucked up world is this, to take such a perfect person away. I can’t comprehend it, how am I supposed to go on without you? I look back at all of the days that we got into those stupid little fights.. the days that I thought were the worst. Omg what I would give to go back to those days now!! I want to argue I want to fight I want to be mad if it means you being here I don’t care all of those things seem so insignificant now. I also think about the good days, the really really good days. I wish so badly for those days you made me so happy j. the days where I would come over and we would go out to the lake on the paddle boards and race eachother, or push eachother off. when we would take the dogs to the park and laugh at them even though it really wasn’t that funny. When you would take me out on cute dates in our stupid little town that has nothing to do. Yet somehow you always made anything we did feel perfect. You made all the bad things seem a little better, a lot better. I thought about something today that I couldn’t stop thinking about. Remember when you broke up with me back in November for a whole 2 weeks;) I thought my life was over. OVER. I thought about you all day everyday wondering if you had lost feelings or if you just needed a break. You never really told me lol. I was heartbroken, congratulations you broke my heart;) About a week in Dustin asked me to go to lunch with him just to talk about everything and get my mind off of it. That day was the first time you had texted me since we’d broken up. You were so mad you thought I was already going on dates.. I had to remind you that Dustin is my best friend and that I would never ever see him that way. I remember feeling selfishly happy, not because I was trying to make you jealous I promise I wasn’t, but the fact that I knew you cared made me happy. It made me have hope that you hadn’t lost feelings for me. Sure enough the next week you asked me to go to dinner. We went out to Nevada City and at first we went to curly wolf. You ordered a coffee and somehow we were both so amazed at the design they had made with the cream lol. I remember just sitting there laughing our little heads off, both of us just so happy to be together again. Lol even though it had only been two weeks it felt like forever to me. I wanted to share that because that was the memory on repeat in my mind today. I thought the day you broke up with me was the worst day of my life. WOW was I wrong. This is getting really long but I just have so much to say. I miss you. So god damn much. I didn’t know it was possible to miss someone this much. It hurts. My heart hurts I think because you took apart of it when you went. Where? Where did you go. I hope it’s amazing wherever it is and I hope you’re okay. Everyone says that you’re watching over us and that you’re happy but I know you I know you want to be here. You want nothing more than to be here with everyone to show everyone that you’re okay. You want nothing more than to continue on with your life and fulfill all the dreams you had. You miss everyone so much and it makes me so sad that we can’t go up there and all give you one big huge group hug. If anything I hope your enjoying all the attention because damn you’re getting a lot of it!! So many people love you and so many people miss you. Going to school sucks like really really sucks. I thought I hated school before, yeah well I was wrong. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do it. YOU were my motivation you were the reason I wanted to go to school you were the reason I was happy. I guess in someway it will help me figure out how to do all that on my own but WHY? Why should I have to why should I have to feel this pain of you not being here why??? WHY YOU. pushing through the rest of the school year is going to be tough and I’m not sure how I’m going to do it but if there’s one thing I know it’s that you wouldn’t want me to give up. I’m trying, I promise with all my heart I’m trying to push through but sometimes I just can’t. And I’m learning that it will be this way for a long time. Im probably boring you cuz I know you absolutely hate reading but maybe you liked reading this, if you did read it.. I have so many things to say, to reflect on, to tell you but I want to make more of these so I guess I’ll save those for later. All I can say and all I keep saying is that I miss you, and I do. I miss you so so much. 

Love, Lily❤

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