Not Always Good

I’m an 18 year old female in college; soon to be 19 in five days. But why do I feel like garbage? Let’s start from the top. I have such a great relationship with my mother; I’d do anything for her and she knows that. I think anyone who knows me knows I would lay down my life for her. However, we do have our moments and when things get heated up .. she makes me feel like the scum of the Earth. When she gets mad she can say some hurtful things to me but I will ALWAYS do my best to make sure she never sees that she got to me. I’ve been called fat, ugly, whore, worthless, stupid, etc. all by the woman I love more than life itself. When I was younger I attempted suicide by taking sleeping pills. I failed (of course) or I wouldn’t be here today writing this. I remember we got into a bad argument and she went into her bathroom in the middle of this argument without saying a word, grabbed a bottle, opened it and threw it right down at my feet and told me … “take them and kill yourself”, I don’t think I will ever forget that. But I did not let her show that it hurt me because I will never give her that satisfaction. I know she doesn’t mean it though; she is just so angry with me and it is my fault 99% of the time. So after I have a good cry in bed I remember to tell myself that it is my fault because I can push her buttons. I’m not saying this to get sympathy because it really and completely is my fault. I don’t tell anyone this and I do my best to cover up my scars but when she goes on one of her moods and just starts hitting me and telling me she hates me, I wait for her to go to bed and I just get the blade of a razor and just let it’s sharp edges meet the layers of my skin. The way her cruel words come flowing out of her mouth just break my heart and remind me why I am the way that I am. Would she really miss me if I were to attempt another act of suicide and actually succeed? Probably not. She loves my older sister more than she does me .. but in all honesty I’m okay with that. Actually, her favorite child is my older brother who passed away when he was born. That’s the child she loves more than anything. Sometimes I think about that night. The night where I tried to take my own life. It’s times like these where I wished I succeeded. Damn .. why did the cops have to get there so fast? I know I’m crazy .. 

One thought on “Not Always Good”

  1. Don’t think like that about yourself, I know it’s hard to ignore the words of the person you love the most, it’s those words that shape your personality your entire childhood so how can you ignore it now?
    I know it’s impossible, you don’t deserve it, maybe something needs to change, maybe you should move someplace else, meet new people. You can’t depend only on her you need others, maybe you should find another family. I am not very connected to my family, for me, my friends are my family. Change is good sometimes. I hope you realize that before it’s too late, good luck.

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