Keep flipping through J

Hey J,

Im at work today out in Discovery Bay AKA the buttcrack of the bay. How are you? Ill take you saying nothing as a good thing. You are okay. Safe. and happy. It’s hard to talk to people that don’t understand. That don’t understand what it’s like to lose a best friend, a brother, family. It’s hard to talk about you in past tense. Everything now get’s categorized as past and the future before and after now and then. It hard it’s all just REALLY FUCKING HARD. (that’s what she said)… I hope you are laughing at us. Laughing at our little brains and little knowledge of the world and afterlife. I hope you are sipping champagne saying you peasants tell me something I don’t know.  Sometimes ..(all the time) I imagine you sitting there watching us. I wonder what you are doing. Where you are. I imagine a place without time. A place without heartbreak, fear, worry, horror, bad, good, sadness, a place without the bad things in our fucked up petty world.

I imagine you sitting on a throne with all of your favorite things around you, a football, sushi, rorri roger, shirley temple, food, all the food, dogs, animals, video games, a fly ass shoe collection, trophies, a basketball,basketball shoes, the most stylish wardrobe you could imagine, watches galore, hats, a Ferrari, emoji swim trunks, jerseys, all the sporting equipment you could imagine, and pictures of your favorite people… with a view of a king.. of nature, mountains, and the night sky. I imagine you sitting there. On that throne ..with a BIG ASS TV and surround sound, flipping thru the channels. The channels of our lives.

There’s cody playing video games talking to people across the world, there’s logan playing fortnight or saying he’s bored and wants to play basketball, there’s me (your favorite sibling) dreaming of where you are writing these messages to comprehend and try to live a life I don’t feel is worth living, or maybe I’m drinking coffee coloring watching a movie, surfing, or exercising.  Cause that’s where I feel you with me the most. When i’m out in nature or playing a sport. I see you with me, what you would say, what you would do. There’s mom gardening.. always gardening lol…and crying at the drop of a hat, ash.. oh ash.. there is ash watching netflix or reading a book. She really misses saying goodnight and goodmorning to you with a big hug.. you gave the best hugs,  Ash got made fun of and people were being rude to her at science cammp because she was crying and missing school. I know we would beat those people up for her. Batman and robin, lilo and stitch, starski and hutch..  us against the world!!!! Ok.. Ok maybe I went a little too far with that one.. Aiden is playing magic singing, nick is trying to be there for mom and keeping busy with house work, micaela is doing acrobatics eating fruit, grandma and grandpa taking care of their dogs cooking and trying to stay busy… DUDE! grandma got a tattoo! I’m sure you already know,  but seriously?! WHAT. A. BADASS. We all got tattoos. Do you like them? I do. It made it real getting them. It made you being gone real. cause why the fuck else would I have your birthday on my arm?!  no offense just don’t think getting the whole families birthdays tattooed on me would be a great look. Hey actually maybe  I’m on to something. Then I would never forget a birthday hahaha yeeessss. Alright I know too far, too far. Anyways I got sidetracked.. I’m not sure what dad is doing maybe working out and grandma and grandpa are probably cleaning and doing yardwork. Your friends are playing sports to remember you and struggling through school, lily is going through pictures remembering the good times and missing you.. she misses you so much. School especially has been so difficult for her.. for all of us. But we’ll get through it for you J. 

I could go on and on and on.. you touched so many people’s lives. 

Maybe this is my brain trying to conceive the thought that you might not be anywhere you might just be gone and be nothing. But I can’t believe that. I can’t believe or comprehend the thought of never seeing you again. 

Keep flipping through the channels J… until I see you again 

With loads and loads of love,

~your favorite sibling

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