Sometimes I think about what I walked away from. Like I knew it at the moment but I couldn’t engage. and I think I could engage now. There is a whole part of myself that is internal completely and I think that it could have been understood. At least a little more. I will always miss them. It’s really inescapable. I am not on the other side no not yet but I am father than I was before.
I feel so separate from my regular life right now. This is not the person everyone knows. I mean yes it is but not intimately. I honestly don’t believe anyone will know me intimately.
I wish I could have been the one you know? I probably could have.
It’s wrong to have these thoughts at this time.
I have a boyfriend who I love very very much and is romantically better for me.
But I never wanted to lose that. It was the most important thing to me. To not lose that. Intrinsic and “philosophical” thought I guess. In the least pretentious and bullshit way possible.
I know you’d be the one to get it. I do but also I can handle it n my own I suppose.
I will do what I need to preserve what I have.
I’m sorry to everyone. Nothing will ever be how I want them to be.
I don’t want to hurt anybody.
Sorting out all of my goals is difficult.
Why can’t we all get along.
Shoot the shit about our morals.
These thoughts will always be too good for others. Because I’m a pretentious asshole and “nobody will understand” except you. I did think the world of you.
I love my boyfriend. I truly and deeply do. But I do wish that we could keep you with each other.
I don’t want any more drama.
I don’t want to hurt anyone.
Congrats on ——. I know you’ll be happier. Even if it’s just a little bit.
I wish I could be two different people. Is there anyone else maybe? Maybe that has both?
I want to marry the perfect person.
Maybe one day I’ll explain this shit but probably nobody cares except myself.
It’s something very personal and that will never be truly resolved or understood by anyone else. But I guess that’s alright. It has to be.
Maybe one day I’ll travel all over.
Maybe one day I will have everything I want in life.
But for now I am pretty satisfied. For the most part.
Happy that at the very least I can say that I am trying.