When you’re just, numb?
When you know you should be really mad, or excited, or even depressed, but instead you just have a lingering sense of apathy?
I was kicked out of my parents’ house recently after an argument. I was barefoot and lightly clothed, and it was late at night. It was the culmination of weeks worth of mental hell, yet, at this climax of emotions I felt nothing. I knew I was angry, confused, saddened and guilt-ridden, but I felt none of it, just a faint, lingering feeling of unpleasantness. I walked the streets for hours, still nothing, so I decided to go to a friends place. After a long day I was exhausted, something had stabbed into my left foot, and the heel of my right was essentially a giant blister. Somehow I hobbled the two kilometers to his house, and yet, this whole time, no matter how alone I was, or how close I was to collapsing from tiredness, nothing but the faint feeling (and the pain) persisted.
I stayed at my friend’s place that night, after retelling the events of the night, all I could release was a smile and a laugh. I wanted so badly to cry. To scream. Instead I hold it in, some learned behaviours can’t be undone just by one’s will. Thus, I once again suffer the slow release, the ever-persistent unpleasant feeling continues to course through me.
Sometimes I feel like I’d give anything to just get rid of it, I don’t care if it needs to be beaten out of me, I just want to feel hurt like a normal person.