Forgiveness

Forgiving someone is hard, but forgiving yourself is harder. The turmoil that still haunts me at night with thoughts of him still wakes me up at 3 AM. I wonder how he is and if he’s happy, but then again, will he ever be happy?  I fall back into my usual routine keeping myself busy to keep my mind off him, but out of nowhere he’s back and he still gets in my head. 

What makes a person cheat? I have beat myself up thinking about this and the pain of regret still rips through my soul. How was it so easy for him to get to me? I am the most skeptical person in the world and I have a hard time trusting people and I push people away. My relationship with my husband is more of a friendship, but there is a deep love and fondness there believe it or not. I don’t care what anyone says, but it is completely possible to love more than one man. To me, my husband feels like home and he is my best friend, but since the beginning, there hasn’t been a lot of passion and a lot of the time I feel like I have to be the strong one in the relationship. I consider myself to be a strong woman with a sense of restraint and morality, but this man came out of nowhere and brought me to my knees. I fell for him instantly. The way he would write to me, the way he would always be present, his drive and ambition, and the promise he vowed, to take care of me. Something I had yearned for in a man after years of having to be the strong one. The glory of it all seemed too good to be true and I rushed to him like a moth to a flame. I was vulnerable and weak. When things got physical and right after our first meeting, we collaborated like a supernova. I have never felt such passion and lust for anyone like this in my life. He checked all the boxes, did all the right moves, and filled me with such sweet thoughts. I felt like I was floating on air for 9 months straight. I incorporated him into my everyday life and brought him into my world, as he did with me. I had fallen in love with a man who wasn’t my husband. Suddenly, my mind and body became not my own anymore and I was torn. How did is this happen? Most people would curse my name and call me every name under the sun, but I am only human. I make mistakes and what I felt was real.  I have tried to forgive myself and move on, but almost two years later, I’m still stuck and lost. I have turned things around and became the perfect, loving wife again while loving my husband three-fold to make up for the hurt and the pain that I caused him. It still feels like it’s not good enough. I still live with a heartache and pain in my chest, like I lost a loved one. I wonder if we are both stuck in this limbo still wondering about each other, but too prideful to make a sound?

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