I can’t

Dear J 

I know I just wrote to you but its nice so I’ll do it again. I wish my letters were as deep as Alyssa but what can I say, I’m not the best writer. Schools been fucked up. Like Alyssa said kids have been rude and self-centered. I just don’t even know anymore J. There’s this one quote by Billy from It that I like to think of. ” A frightening possibility suddenly occurred to him: maybe sometimes things don’t just go wrong and then stop; maybe sometimes they just kept going wrong and wronger until everything was totally fucked up.” I just feel like everything is so totally and utterly fucked up. And the worst part is I know I’m powerless. I can’t bring you back and I can’t make it hurt any less than it does. I’m just so sick of it. All of it. The petty,” I’m sorry for your loss,” when you know they only say it to make themselves better. I’m sick of the forced smiles and the fake laughs just so my friends don’t start to hate me for being overdramatic. I’m so sick of people pretending they care and I am sick of the fake friends and all the people saying they’re here when in reality, I’m alone.  I have everyone in my family and Lily and his friends, but we all feel different grief, except maybe Alyssa and I. But still, nothing ever makes it better. I cannot stop thinking about you, just you in general. How you were basically born with a six pack and had the best smile. You are just great. We’re about to sell the house and get a closer one in grass valley. We gotta replace your door too, you rebel. I just can’t. That’s the thing I keep finding myself saying during anxiety and panic attacks. Those words just keep ringing. It’s funny how much two words can really explain how you feel. I cant sit here and pretend I give a fuck. I can’t deal with fake people and school. At least not without you. I cant move when I get up in the morning. I can’t care about life or the silver lining cause you’re no longer here. you’re just gone. you’re dead and you’re not coming back and I cant do anything about it. I don’t mean to be so dark, this is just the only place I can sort spread my feelings all over the place. Anyways I love you.

Love your sis who is really just done, Ash

One thought on “I can’t”

  1. I don’t know you but I am sure J wanted you to move on with your life, be better.

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