This feels weird writing to you like this, especially when I don’t know if you can read this. I guess now I’m scared to believe in reincarnation, because if that’s real than you’ve already moved on and I’m never going to see you again, and if I do then I might lose you again. Also, what if there’s nothing after death. No heaven, no hell, no floating around, just nothing. If that’s true, then I can’t keep telling myself you can hear me or that I’m gonna see you again and it means that the last time I saw you, really was the last time. I don’t know what to think anymore J, and that makes me so scared. The only thing I know for sure is I just want to talk to you and see you and hug you and tell you I love you just once more time. I don’t know why you haven’t talked to me yet like you did with Logan and Cody, but it better be a good reason because I can’t stand not seeing you. I feel like I’m starting to forget what you looked like, your smile, and what you smelled like and that scares the hell out of me. I feel like everything in my life has just changed. I can’t eat, breathe, sleep, even function without reminding myself of you. I think you’d be proud of me today. I boxed with Alyssa. I don’t know if you remember teaching me how to punch or not but I do.I just miss you soooooo much. All I know for sure is that I know you’re my big brother, even if you don’t think I’m your little sister. Anyways I just want you to know that I’m so scared J and I don’t know if I can do this without you. I don’t think you know how important you were to me but I guess now you do. I love you J and every day without makes me feel like I’m completely lost and hopeless. I mean, how am I supposed to move on. And what if I don’t want to. I don’t want to not think about you every day and to only be reminded of you in March. I guess I just don’t want to let you go.
Love your conflicted sis, Ash