I’m Angry

I’m angry, angry that people like your father are so unreasonable. I’m angry that he would punish you so profoundly for even seeing me for ten minutes without his knowledge, despite maintaining his allowance of our relationship. Is he just controlling? I don’t know how after dating you for almost a year now, I still can’t even drop something of to you spontaneously without you getting locked away from me for a month. All I’ve done is love and care for you, its all I want to do and its all he’s seen from me, yet he maintains that I’m some enemy of his. He has no respect for me at all it seems, despite me only treating him with the greatest kindness and understanding. It seems hopeless to reason with him, hell, hopeless to even get him to talk to me. Every time I’ve conversed with him he takes hold of the conversation and dismisses any of my input, it’s demeaning and narcissistic, I wish he’d just have a simple, calm talk with me. 

I’m angry at my own parents, who have never seemed to be happy with me over the entirety of the last decade. Every success seems like a step towards meeting minimum expectations, while every failure is treated with contempt and passive aggressive behaviour for long periods after. This serves to remind me of my shortcomings constantly, while brushing over and improvements I’ve made. This is why my relationship with them is so terrible, its also why I can never truly love them like I do Kiara. They have hurt me too often, and for too long. My self confidence has been slowly crushed, as they drive my mental state right into the ground for every single thing I mess up. I wish they’d just yell at me, or even admit that they’re trying to make me feel worse about it, instead they claim ignorance but I’m not as stupid as they think and I know its total bullshit. 

It’s abuse! My own mother has been mentioning for months know about how our family “will be difficult in the future”, and that “If I were you I’d get out of there”. But hey, throw in an “I won’t tell you what to do though”, and presto! Now you totally aren’t manipulating me anymore. Then after CONSTANTLY having to politely disagree with her, we finally have some sort of problem, and guess who decided to jump on my horrible guilt, gut wrenching sadness and confused anger in order to push her agenda? Thanks mum, you’ve always had my best interests in mind. Well, what you decide are my best interests anyway, and surprise sur-fucking-prise, I lose it. Yeah, telling me to break up with my girlfriend who I love and adore (again), while I’m clearly emotionally invested in worrying about her, is obviously going to make me mad you idiot. Of course you called it “being sympathetic”, but it sounds a lot to me like “taking an opportunity to try and manipulate me while I’m weak”. 

Now this is where I make poor judgements, I’m emotional and very confused. I tried to keep everyone happy, but everyone got mad at me, and the only person who isn’t mad, is caused to be punished as a result.  I say stupid things and I break something. I yelled at you because you were doing nothing but hurting me during a time when I needed your support. What I needed was to either to be left alone, or to be calmed down and reassured that everything would be okay. Instead what I got from you mum, was a spiteful array of arguments aimed at Kiara’s parents, angry accusations that I wasn’t being careful enough and that you “warned me about this sort of thing”, which you then followed by pretty much telling me all this hassle isn’t “worth it” for my relationship. I want to break these things down for you quickly.

 

Your Tone:

When I’m confused, guilty, stressed and panicked, adding your own anger-filled tone of voice into the mix is only going to make things worse. At that point, just don’t be there saying things, it adds unnecessary pressure to me.

Spitefulness:

Don’t have a god-forsaken rant at me WHILE the problem is happening, I hadn’t caused you any trouble about anything to do with this, yet you decided to just fuel the fire of bullshit I had to deal with at that moment with the constant spiteful comments spewing from your mouth. You have no right to constantly criticise me like this, you are my PARENT, not a parole officer. You can talk to me about these things and express your opinions, not constantly belittle me on how I’m clearly wrong, just because your passive about it and not enforcing it, doesn’t make it a non-damaging thing to do. In fact you did almost break us up, you want to know how? You spiralled me into deep feelings of guilt, pain and sadness that made me feel like I had only made everyone’s lives worse be loving her. I hate that you did that. Frankly I don’t care what you say your intentions are, control this, it hurts me and makes me angry at you. Dating Kiara is MY decision alone, just because you might not like it much, doesn’t mean you can harass and guilt me about it, no exceptions.

Manipulation:

I could be wrong, and if you proved that to me then I would apologise, I really would. Having manipulative parents is the last thing I want to believe. But how can I not at this point? Who in their right mind thinks that the way to support their son, is to belittle him and show anger towards him when he is experiencing troubles? Not only that, but then have ZERO understanding of why that causes him to have an outburst at you? You’re either extremely manipulative, or you just aren’t thinking of me at all, either way its depressing. Here is an example scenario for you:

You (in the morning): You’d better research how to fix holes in the wall today.                        Me (in the morning): Yeah I will, I’m sorry for breaking it, I wasn’t thinking.

That night:

You (passive aggressive): Did you research the best way to fix a hole in the wall today?       

Me: Yes I did, I think we can use a mesh or some sort of backing and then plaster over it, shouldn’t be too difficult to do. Sorry again for that.                                                                     

You: Well you better know a way to do it, you broke it so now your gonna fix it.

Me: Yes I know, its my fault and I’ll take the responsibility. I know how to do it I’ll just need to get the stuff.

You: Yeah well I’m not gonna have any sympathy for you this time, its all up to you

Me: Yes mum I know I’ll do it

You (while walking away): You’d better be prepared to do it because I’m definitely not going to do it for you. 

Me: Oh my god mum shutup! I told you I’m going to do it!

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Am I telling you I’ve taken on the responsibility for my actions and am willing to put in the effort to fix the problem I created (as well as already demonstrating that I’ve explored and thought up a way of doing so). Yeah mum better be even more passive aggressive and spiteful to me, totally going to be calm the day after so much terrible shit happened. Then deny you were disrespecting me at all because you were “angry”. I broke the wall because I was angry, do you think I’d be stupid enough to try and convince you that “being angry” is a legitimate excuse for that? No fucking way! I try my absolute best to be mature and respectful, and all I get from so many people is immaturity. 

For example, dad today. He was going to go get some pizza, and told me I should come with him because it was a new place and I wouldn’t know the menu. I told him that I didn’t feel like going out, but I looked up the menu online and chose something that I wanted from their website. Now, he decided that he “just wanted” me to go with him, to which I replied again, I didn’t feel like going out, if you need me to come with you I will,, but otherwise I’d be staying at home. Dad, I biked ten kilometers yesterday, as well as walking around at night barefoot on the streets for two hours after you guys kicked me out of the house, of course I don’t want to go out you twit! But no, instead of telling me any reason at all, even the personal reason why you might’ve wanted me to go, you showed me that all you wanted was for me to just do what you told me to, because you felt like telling me to do it. I’m not six years old, I’m seventeen, you may be my parent but don’t expect me to be flattered when you portray to me that you expect blind obedience, and refuse to actually explain your actions. 

I was going to write about other things in this entry, but you guys just won out top spot I guess. It’s clear that you don’t respect me, you cut me off frequently, try to manipulate me, expect blind obedience, talk down to me constantly, you don’t factor in my emotions or mental state, choose to stay ignorant about any of the newly diagnosed mental health issues I’ve accrued i.e. PTSD, ADHD (RSD specifically), OCD, depressive episodes, anxiety and whatever blah blah blah, I reckon so long as I can “get fixed” you don’t care. You don’t fucking care about me, Kiara’s parents don’t care about her either. You hurt us and claim otherwise because you haven’t thought about it. You haven’t considered us because as parents, you don’t care about us.

neither of you do

not mother

nor father

no-one 

Am I just that worthless?

Do I matter?

Why does it hurt me so much when its from you?

So many people have cared so little.

For her and I.

But we care for each other.

More than any of those people have ever cared about anything.

We belong together.

It makes us happy.

So, you will try to pull us apart.

But it’s too late.

Now, to at least one person, we believe are worth something.

Something worth fighting for. 

Every hour spent feeling ashamed to exist.

Every betrayal from closest friends.

Every lie believed.

Every beating at school.

Every late night spent crying alone.

Every suicidal thought.

Every attempt at self harm.

Every mental breakdown.

Every panic attack.

Every depressive episode.

Every failure, shortcoming and weakness.

Is still part of a person.

Still part of me.

Still part of her,

Parts of people who are still precious,

and she is still the most precious thing in this world.

I will always protect her.

Because I know that despite what you’ve all done to her.

Despite what you’ve made her think about herself.

She is beautiful.

She is kind.

She is talented.

She is intelligent.

She is perfect.

She loves me.

and I love her.

That’s how it is going to stay.

I don’t have to accept worthlessness anymore, so get used to it.

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