Whole new meaning

Hey J,

Im in class right now waiting for my teacher to get here, apparently there is an accident and he will be late. There is an accident. Those words used to not mean much to me. They used to mean I might be late to something or it would inconvenience people with traffic. Now it has a whole new meaning. It means that someone could be dead. DEAD. It means cars are ruined which could mean people are injured, animals injured, people dead, animals dead. I know, I know animals aren’t equal to humans to you. But to me they are. Every soul matters, every being matters, every life MATTERS.

I love you J. I love you so much. I miss you SO MUCH. Before I would go months without seeing you and still feel like I missed you but that it was okay because I knew when I was going to see you again. I knew that you were living your best life and loving it so I didn’t have to bug you all the time. I could just see you sometimes and put down our phones and just be present with you. I wish now I hadn’t put my phone down. I wish I took thousands of pictures of you, your face, and us. Us having a good time, us laughing, us messing around, us playing a game, us just being there. Wherever we were. I wish I had more pictures of us together. My last picture with you I was wearing freaking boxers, cooper just died, I looked A MESS, and I was holding up a pop socket that you got for me for secret santa. Thanks for that, did I ever say thank you? I don’t know but thank you. I couldn’t help but laugh at that horrible picture because you still looked SO DAMN GOOD. How did you do it? How did you always look like a damn model?!. Anyways I read Lily’s journal and laughed and cried simultaneously. I don’t think I have ever done that before.. Laughed and cried at the same time. It’s weird and funny and horrible all at the same time. Like she said I hope you are liking all the attention! Cause damn boooy you are getting a lot of it. I imagine if I were to die in high school and maybe 20 people including family would show up at my memorial. and for you?! hundreds and hundreds of people J. WTF. How did I never know how many people’s lives you impacted?! Your teachers, football,basketball, and baseball teams, coaches, students, friends, and random people all wrote you stacks and stacks of cards. They even all signed a football for you. Well I could’ve guessed I mean who didn’t like you.. Literally no one. Unless they were jealous which would be understandable ;). I dissed you yesterday. I dissed my dead brother. Is that wrong? I don’t think so. I think I can say anything cause you aren’t here to tell me to shut up. And maybe if I do diss you, you will tell me to shut up. Somehow…someway. Lily told me you broke up with her.. what were you thinking bro?! And why didn’t you tell me? I thought we were closer than that.. I guess not. It makes me sad that we weren’t closer. We used to be so close. Remember? remember when I would make your lunches and sign your permission slips at night and made sure you went to bed on time and that you brushed your teeth?  You were so nice. You never yelled at me when I was acting like your mom. When I said turn off the video games and go to sleep!  you just said okaaay. I thought all I wanted to do was get out of those times and fast forward. Now I would do anything to go back. To have everything taken from me to see you again. I’d do anything. Anything but kill myself cause I couldn’t do that. It terrifies me that if I do die I might not see you. I say I’m not afraid to die now. I truly believe that though , I’m not afraid to die cause you’ll be there to greet me. But there is this chance that you won’t be there and that everything just ends. I can’t think that way though, I just can’t. 

The light just flickered and my teacher said “there is a ghost in here” is that you J? are you the ghost? Can you here me? I hope so I hope you’re the ghost and are haunting me. Is that weird? Ya.. Ya it is. I don’t care. 

I should go now, 

Talk to you soon,

With truck loads of love and anger.. mostly love though,


~ Alyssa Rose 

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