So.. so tired.

Wattup J,

Today we are in Calistoga. We as in ashlynne, mom, and me. I told via I wanted to visit (nothing like 4 year old twins to distract). She surprised and treated us to a spa stay at this super cool motel. You would’ve loved it. Watch my channel for a little bit so you can see what it looks like. They have a natural hot spring you’d love and a pool and a hot tub. You would’ve played in the pool and wanted to play a game. They have a giant connect 4 that I know you would’ve made me play. It so pretty here I hope if you watch my channel or our channels you can see that. It’s in a valley so when you look around there’s mountains and awesome trees surrounding you. I imagine you being in a place 100 times more beautiful. 

I asked lily yesterday what you wanted to do with your life and where you wanted to go. She said you always talked about Oregon and playing football. I knew that.. I want to know the places you dreamed of going so I can go and so you can watch my channel. I bet you already can see everything but I still like to think you are with me and need me. Cause if you need me then you are with me. You probably don’t need anything and are in this place of bliss and freedom. Freedom of everything. 

The twins talked about you today and asked me questions like why do I have your necklace and did you give me your bracelet.. It’s hard to describe and it’s hard to comprehend even when I am telling someone else. Although I know it to be true, it’s so difficult to describe you in past tense and so difficult to remind myself that you are truly gone. I just want to laugh with you again. I want to see your smile and here your laugh. J are you ok? I think I will keep asking this till I know the answer. Even if I ask that every day for the rest of my life. You owe it to me J. You owe me an answer .. a piece of mind.. a response to hold on to.. you owe me just this one thing J. ARE YOU OK?  

I have an assignment in my speech class. I am going to say what I have been writing to you as a speech. I hope you don’t mind. You aren’t here to tell me if you do so, so be it. I just can’t do it on anything else. The thought of putting my brain to anything else. To focus on anything else just seems so wrong and I just can’t. I can’t pretend and be fake and talk about unicorns and puppies. Just not gonna happen. I think you appreciated that about me. That I was always so honest and blunt.. never fake. Or maybe you didn’t maybe you just wanted me to shut up. I guess I’ll never know. Ill go with you liked it. I’ll go with I am you favorite sibling. (WTF bro. There I go again. Present tense instead of past tense. Again cause I haven’t said this enough… This is all so fucking hard! WHY WHY WHY. ) I will go with you are still with me. Ill go with you are looking after me and us and everyone. Cause There is nothing else to do. I have nothing else to hold onto.

I’m sitting in bed so tired but afraid to fall asleep. If I try to fall asleep I see your face. and if I manage to fall asleep it will be another night of not seeing your face. Of not talking to you. And that’s bullshit J. I deserve an answer. I’m just so tired. So.. so tired. Figuratively, Literally, mentally, and physically. Just EXHAUSTED. 

Goodnight J, I miss you so damn much,

with a shit ton of love, 

~Your big sis 

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