I still got butterflies

hey cute thang;) I miss that. That feeling that I got when I saw your cute ass face. God damn you’re so cute. Okay cute is an understatement I just like saying it;) but I do miss it. I remember looking at you everyday and thinking to myself that I was so lucky to have you. I was so lucky that you were MINE. All mine. I have butterflies right now just thinking about it. You know I still got those? I STILL got butterflies whenever I saw you, whenever your name popped up on my phone, whenever we would cuddle and watch movies together, when you would randomly grab my hand and hold it super tight, when you would give me spontaneous hugs and kisses, and most importantly when you said “I love you”. Even after two years I still got butterflies, if that doesn’t say something about your fine self I don’t know what does. 

This week of school has been hard. The juniors are testing so we are on a late start.. you would love it, don’t have to come to school till 11:00! I thought having a late start this week would be relieving and make the day easier and it has to an extent but the days still feel so long. I’ve been really behind on homework and I know that’s normal after something like this happens and my teachers are understanding. Some days are harder to be motivated than others but I’ve realized when I sit down and actually do my work and focus it takes my mind off things for a bit. And don’t think I don’t wanna be thinking about you because I so do, it just hurts a little sometimes and having a mental break can be helpful. I’m also worried that if I get behind it school it will just up my stress and make things worse. What I would give to just stop, to stop doing work to just have time to cope with the loss and to accept everything. But I know that this is life and sometimes you have to push through no matter how much it FUCKING sucks. I know you’d want me to. I know you’d want me to push through the end of the year. And I will, I will for you I promise. The hardest class for me is art… it’s been two weeks and I haven’t been to that class once, I only go in to tell mr Baxter that I’ll be in the library. It’s just to hard, it’s to hard to sit in the room where we had our time. Our time at the very end of the school day to just be together. That was our time. Even if we were arguing or didn’t want to talk we still were with eachother and I looked forward to that every day, no matter what. I miss watching you draw, you freak of an artist. That’s just ONE of the MANY amazing unique qualities that I loved about you. You were so damn good at drawing, so creative, so not afraid to doodle and draw whatever your mind was thinking of. I LOVED THAT. Is it weird to say that was sexy? Probably… but you already know everything about you was so ig it doesn’t matter. Anywayssss so I don’t go to art, I go to the library. I usually just work on other homework or I shove my headphones in my little ears and block out everything in the world but the music. I listen to your songs sometimes, your rap songs that I used to hate;) I love them. They are so you, all the words that describe your image who you “wanted to be” but deep down I know you were a soft little cute kind lil baby… but you could put up an act that’s for sure;) and your music reminds me of that is all. I also listen to sad songs and in a way they make me happier, maybe just because I can relate and just let the sadness hit me. That makes no sense but you get what I mean;) okay too many winkies. 

OH MY GOD I could seriously write to you for days you know that?? I love writing. You gave me shit for being in English 2H but I honestly just love writing, especially to you. I keep thinking about you in the hospital. I keep thinking about my mom crying on the phone to my dad telling him you’d been in an accident. I keep thinking about the drive, feeling like I wanted to throw up the whole way and not letting the tears fall just yet because I was telling myself you were going to make it. You had to, youre so strong. You were invincible you never let up you always won. YOU WON AT EVERYTHING J. you aren’t going to die you won’t you can’t. I told myself all these things and I actually for the first time in my life prayed to God. I’ve never done that. I thought maybe somehow it could help. I seriously thought you were going to make it. And then your mom called me and told me what I never wanted to hear “he isn’t gonna make it”. I didn’t even believe it. I didn’t cry. I didn’t really do anything. I didn’t believe it I couldn’t. HOW? How does a person like you just die. I can not comprehend that I never will be able to. I remember walking into the hospital and instantly feeling the most scared I’ve ever felt in my life. I had to pee, it didn’t feel right.. peeing. Going to the bathroom while you were in a bed dying. It felt so wrong. Everything felt wrong and weird. I was dreaming I had to be. Your dad came and got me and asked if I wanted to see you and of course I wanted to, I was scared as hell but I wanted to see you so badly. When I walked in the first thing I saw was your feet, your huge feet. At first they were just your feet but then I noticed the color of them, the yellow lifeless color. And that when my heart dropped. As I got closer I saw your arm, your huge arm the arms you’d been working so hard on. Again at first it was just your arm and then it was your yellow lifeless arm. Your arms.. god I loved your arms. They always felt safe. They were home. Your arms felt like home to me. I miss that feeling of your arms around me, feeling like nothing in the world could hurt me. You made me feel so safe. You would always point out your veins in your arms when you’d work out, you were so proud of them. But as I held your hand and looked down your arm, there weren’t any veins there, my heart dropped again. I hope you felt me hold your hand I hope you knew I was there. All I could do was stand there and hold your hand and cry and gasp for air. Im sorry I wish I could’ve done more but I couldn’t all I could do was just stand there helplessly and hold your lifeless hand. As I stopped crying I realized I was going to loose you, I saw the tube in your mouth and I looked at your face and in that moment I realized that you weren’t there anymore. Your chest may have been moving up and down and your body may have been laying there and I may have been holding your hand and looking at your arms but you weren’t there anymore. You wouldn’t have wanted to be. You wouldn’t have wanted to be in that lifeless helpless destroyed body. That wasn’t you. You were there but not on that table. I don’t know how long I stood there but however long it was it went by so fast. I don’t know if I should’ve stayed longer but I kissed your hand and said goodbye. I said GOODBYE. NOBODY should ever have to say goodbye to someone who is literally everything they could ever asked for. It destroyed me. All I could do was sit in the hallway, I wasn’t crying, I wasn’t even thinking, I was just sitting staring at the blank walls. Listening to the tears fall from the eyes of all the people that loved you, that still love you. It was hard, so fucking hard to watch everyone just break, to see everyone’s world change before my eyes. To see two beautiful people loose their child. To watch three amazing kids loose their baby brother. That sucks. That’s an understatement. I felt sick. I didn’t know what to do or say. I just felt empty. You were gone. And all anyone could do was sit there in denial. Nobody in that hallway wanted to believe what was happening no one. You’re grandpa, your biggest fan was broken, your grandma the one who poured so much love onto you was broken. Your siblings didn’t have words didn’t know what to say or what to feel or how to go on, they were all broken. Your parents were broken. Everyone was just broken I don’t know how else to describe it. I know that was all very dark but that experience replays in my mind everyday and I felt like I needed to tell you, to write it down, to get it out of my head and somewhere else. A nightmare, an actual nightmare is what it was… what it is. I’m sorry if that was hard to read because it probably was but it’s the truth the disgusting horrific truth and I needed to tell you. I promise the next one if these will be happier I just needed to get that out. 

I want to end this by saying I hope wherever you are you are happy. I know for a fact you aren’t happy that you can’t be here I know that pisses you off so much but I hope you have found happiness. In something. Whatever it is. I just can’t bear the thought of you sitting there in misery which I really don’t think you are. I think you miss us all but I think you’ve made a new life up there or somewhere. I think you’ve gathered all the things that bring you happiness.  Definitely A LOT of food, maybe your own personal chef;) a massive flat screen that you play fortnite nonstop on. You freaking nerd. Cooper is in your lap. And when you aren’t nerding out your at the gym, if there even is one where you are.. your getting MASSIVE! or maybe your throwing the football around with Tyler on some crazy beautiful field. Your snowboarding on a glistening white snowy mountain that you’ve got all to yourself. You’ve got the tahoe up there with your new subs and your sick tinted windows that I’m sure you bump around in. I don’t know. I’m probably completely wrong but wherever you are and whatever your doing I hope it’s making you happy. I’m finally getting sleepy, writing these really helps with that. I miss texting you and then getting tired and saying goodnight to eachother and saying our I love you’s. I think I’ll miss that forever. I’ll miss you forever. I want a goodnight kiss I want you to come hold me to tell me it’s all okay. That’s all I want. I love you so much Justin I love you more than words could ever express, I love you way more than just to the moon and back. I love you justin. I love you and I miss you. Goodnight love. 


How many times can I say love;) Lily♥️

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