April Showers

Have you ever been frustrated with God? Confused as to why things don’t go the way you planned or the way you want? We often hear the typical Christian word filled with positive energy, deflecting away from your own negative feelings. Not that the typical Christian word isn’t uplifting, but when you’re experiencing a frustration with God, it’s hard to use HIS word to correct YOUR feelings. You want to feel your pain. You want to eat, sleep and breathe those emotions. To pretend they don’t exist, in my mind, is false reality. Yes, I get frustrated with God. 

Being frustrated with God doesn’t mean you don’t love him or that you’ve lost your faith. It means that this is the TIME when you really dive into his word; although you may not want to read it. I can tell you that I don’t. I don’t want to read it, hear it, or feel it. Trust, however, I will. I’m very conscious of the battle between my flesh and my spirit, which is why I know I have to force myself out of my frustration by reading, hearing and feeling his word. For me, knowing what I have to do isn’t the problem. Dealing with the frustration is. 

I think for any of us, we have to find the trigger. I’ve lived my life always trying to do the right thing. I’ve always tried to treat people well, love hard and give without regret. While these things are just a part of who I am, it’s often hurtful when it’s not returned. It’s giving so much away and not receiving anything in return. It’s loving people hard and not being loved back. It’s being alone for so long and not given the desires of your heart. It’s raising your child alone. It’s figuring out what the next career move is. It’s life. But, it’s also knowing that we all experience life and its many emotions. It’s knowing that you can’t dwell in your emotions. It’s knowing who, what, when, where and why the cause of the frustration erupted. 

Like many people I’ve suffered from depression since I was a child. It later turned into anxiety as an adult. I feel like the depression has been heightened lately. One bad thought or situation trickles into another bad thought or situation and everything in my mind, heart, body and soul just shuts down. I absolutely HATE these experiences. Then, I realize I have to snap out of it and I start talking to God. A realization will come and I’ll know the root of the frustration and why I’m feeling the way I am. 

I decided I wasn’t going to church today. Again, I said I didn’t want to read, hear or feel his word; but I know I can’t block God out. So I laid on my bed after I had just given my cousin an amazing word. (isn’t it crazy how you can bless people with a word even when you’re going through it). Anyway,  I wanted to cry. I wanted this feeling off of me. So, I googled. I typed in ‘frustration with God’. I read something that said, ‘in your frustration, talk to God’. DUHHHHHH. I knew that. I guess I needed reassurance? I’m getting older. I’m forgetful lol. I started talking and my dad popped in my head. April showers. I realized it was April. I ALWAYS get moody and sad in April. April 28th is the day my dad was murdered. April 28th is the day that changed my life. April 28th took away the person that was supposed to protect me from my fears and men that didn’t mean me any good; and here I am in April crying showers. This is why I’m so emotional. Okay God. I found the trigger. WE found the trigger. Does this mean the frustration will stop immediately ? Naw. It’ll still hurt. The key, however, is redirecting my mind towards something positive. It’s knowing that it’s okay to hurt. This hurt will never go away. I just have to read, hear and feel his word if I don’t want to drown in these April Showers. 

For anyone dealing with frustration, anxiety, depression or any other negative trigger, I challenge you to write about it. As a kid, I wrote my thoughts down, a lot. For me it was releasing them from my mind, even if they were in my heart. Removing them from my mind meant that I could work on what was in my heart. Once I worked on my heart I could find peace again. Whatever you’re dealing with, I pray you find peace by dealing with your frustration. It’s not always an easy task but life is too short to drown out everything positive that is happening and WILL happen in your life. You only get a small moment to live in that hurt. Knowing that April showers will bring May flowers has already blessed me this morning and I hope my transparency has helped you. People often look at me as if I have it all together. Trust me, I’m jacked up too lol. Yes I’m always joking and smiling. If you know me, you know I’m the life of the party, but you also know I’m very honest. I hope me opening up about what I’m dealing with will give you the strength to open up about yourself. Never be ashamed to say how you feel. You NEVER know who is dealing with the same kind of hurt or pain. 

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