I give up. Nothing is ever going to change.  Ian will never go away and leave me alone.  I’m just stuck putting up with him.  He will only come to me when his girlfriend can’t or wont have sex with him.  It’s going to be just like my marriage.  I’m just doomed to a life of misery. You know, all I ever wanted in life was to be happy….find someone who would love me and treat me good, be faithful.  I realize now that’s never going to happen.  I’ll never find a man that I can trust to be faithful to me even if I was pretty and skinny like a super model.  I don’t understand exactly what I ever did to deserve so much misery my whole life.  My parents hated me….suffered physical abuse from my mother and emotional and verbal abuse from both.  I had a terrible marriage with a cheater and an abuser that was always drunk.  And now Ian. He can’t stay sober either.  He has to be drunk just to have sex with me  and even that’s spotty at best.  He has to be drunk even to just be with me.  Why does everyone hate me so much?  He picks fights when he’s sober but the fights when he is drunk they’re worse.  We had such a good day yesterday.  Shoulda known that wouldn’t last.  Even last night was horrible.  He was listening to music on YouTube and had his eyes closed so I decided to go outside.  He got really mad and picked a fight, the worst we’ve had yet.  And now he’s accusing me of telling me I asked him to take his ear buds 0ut which I never did.  All I did was walk outside.  Now I can’t even do that.

I even allowed myself to love him….I realize now he was telling me he loved me but he didn’t.   He never will.  His heart will always belong to her.  He just loves the rich, pregnant bitch.  I should have never trusted him.  It hurts.  The pain will never go away because I’m stuck with him and will have to look at him and be reminded of what I thought I had but never did and never will.  He will be a constant reminder of what I can never have.  This fight came on the heels of us having sex, good sex.   But I fear even that is gone now.  It will probably be 2 weeks before he even approaches me.

He usually sits around naked, we both do.  Last night he slept in his shorts and now this morning he’s gotten fully dressed.  It’s never going to be the same again.  I’ve lost him.  He was looking for a fight to drive a wedge between us I guess so he could make time with the rich pregnant girl.  I just wish he would go to her already and let me get on with my live and get over him.  I’ll never find anyone to fill his place in bed and never will.  I’m doomed to be alone forever in my misery and pain.

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