I just don’t know J

Dear J,

Hey J, I’m about to go to sleep I just wanted to write to you one more time. All the happy memories I have of you now make me sad. I’m so sick of the mood swings. sometimes I feel numb like nothing can ever hurt me, and other times I feel like everything hurts me. I used to like having all of the memories I do, but now I’m sick of them. I can’t even walk into Starbucks without thinking of you. I bet you think its weird I have your ashes in a locket. or maybe you don’t. I don’t know its just so weird to think you’re gone. The word death has never really had that much meaning to me. Now it just confuses me. I feel like you’re still here but I don’t know. I just don’t know. It makes it so much worse, I don’t know if you’re ok, or if I’ll see you again or if I can make it through school. Nothings steady or normal anymore. I can’t guarantee anything. I don’t know if anything for sure and I hate it. I want to know. I want to feel safe and confident in something anything again, anything. I can’t tell if anything is going to stay normal and I don’t know if I want it to be normal. I want the change and I just want to choose what changes. I don’t know if I’m going to have to be alive when all of my other siblings die or if I’m going first. I don’t know I just feel like I don’t know anything and nothing is guaranteed ad I hate it. I just hate and I can’t find words at all to explain anything. I cant describe anything. I can’t explain how I feel when I get frustrated also and I feel like a kid having a temper tantrum but its just so frustrating. Anyways, I’m tired. I love you goodnight

Love your sis who doesn’t know, Ash

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