I think of you in everything

hey love💕 I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that this happened. I’m sorry sorry that your amazingly beautiful precious life was cut so short by some awful stupid person. But honestly I’m not angry at her I’m angry at the fact that you had such an amazing life and now it’s gone. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW ANGRY that makes me. I’m so so sorry. I know that you want to be here so badly and nothing breaks my heart more than that. I just hope that somehow someday you find peace and happiness and learn to accept everything.. like I’m trying to do. It’s so hard, I never thought I’d go through something this hard. Everyone says that it’ll only make me stronger but why? Why should I have to become stronger.. all I want is you. You here. I still tell myself that it isn’t real and sometimes I believe it sometimes I believe that your just away somewhere and will come back one day. Just one day. One day I’m going to be out maybe even somewhere away from here, from home, and I’m going to see you. I’ll see you watching the sunset or drinking coffee in some little cafe. I tell myself these things because I can’t cope with the fact that you’re just gone. 

I think about you in everything that I do. Today dereck Kendall and I went to the forest hill bridge and it reminded me of going to your grandparents house. I love that drive. I loved being in the car with you on that drive listening to music. Watching you drive, watching how confident you were about it. I loved that. It’s so hard to enjoy things and I know that’s normal but I just wish you could still be a part of everything. I wish you could come with me and watch the sunset I wish you could sit in the back of the car with me and kiss me. I wish you were still here. I have a volleyball tournament tomorrow and I don’t know how I’m going to feel. I know you would want me to go so that’s the only reason I’m going but I just can’t sit there and listen to all the other girls talk about what’s going on in their lives and about their boyfriends. Why do they get that and I dont. Why were you taken away from me? Those thoughts keep going through my head. I was talking to my mom about it because it kinda scares me that I’m thinking that but she said it’s normal. It just sucks. It sucks that Aycee didn’t loose Dawson but I lost you. It sucks that she gets to hug and kiss and look at him everyday and think of how thankful she is that he’s still here and I don’t get that. It sucks that she knows that he’s probably more safe than a lot of people because he’s already been through such a big tragedy. HES SAFE. Dawson is safe from that and you’re gone. Wtf. Why you. I’m not saying I wanted Dawson to die I’m not saying that at all I just don’t understand why any of us have to go through this. Loosing you. I really hope you read these. I really do. 

I love you more than anything and I miss you more than you could ever know. You have all the love I could ever give and I know you know that❤️ goodnight I love you😘

love, lily💕

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