I’m Aware of the Flaws (Trauma)

Dang. I’m pretty upset about the local skating rink. Skating is one of the fun things that I still like to do even in my “old” age. I had found a rink that was really close to where I live. I planned to go there back in September of last year, but I never got a chance because that was the month when I needed to dismantle my car.

So now that it’s running pretty nicely, I thought I’d go on a date with myself to that rink after all. They had 80s night on Thursday nights and played nothing but old-school music. Apparently, they closed down some time between last September and now. That really stinks because 80s night would have been perfect for me.

There’s a skating rink about 30 minutes away, but it’s weird. It’s called Star Castle or some such, and I’d have to look at freaky Disney-like characters and whatnot. It’s just not the kind of place I was looking for. It looks too commercial. I just wanted a small local “mom and pop” sort of place that was close, cheap, and friendly. Man, this stinks. I can still bowl nearby, but I like to skate much more than I like to bowl.

Ah, well I found a local skate park. It’s not the same as a skating rink in that I won’t get to listen to any music unless I create my own playlist and avoid falling down and crushing my mobile phone. It’s outside on smooth concrete, and people can bring skateboards or roller skates. I see that most people who take pictures from such a park are wearing helmets, too. I may want to go ahead and buy one. I remember the last time I tried to ride my “heartthrob” skates. They threw down several times.

Fitness is something I like to do to recover from trauma. Speaking of trauma, I know I have a little bit of buried trauma that I don’t like to deal with, and I’m trying to have it taken care of with my heavenly Father because I don’t trust anyone else. The thing with trauma is that you can’t force it out. No one can make me deal with it if I’m not ready, and no one can accelerate my process. When people try to do that, it just ends up making me look like a fool because I end up doing something irresponsible like walking off a job without giving two weeks notice or leaving an entire area and pretending that it doesn’t exist.

Yes, I’m well aware of my own coping mechanisms, my own trauma, and my own processes. As I said before, I pray for these things to be purged every day, and the Father will handle it in such a way that I can handle it. Some people go through so much pain that releasing the whole thing at once might kill them. That’s just a figure of speech, but I think you know what I mean, journal. I’ve already released some, and that felt like so much already.

My entire life up until four to five years ago was full of pain coming from every angle. Everyone I tried to love, everyone who I thought loved me, everyone who was supposed to be there for me when I needed them, people who were supposed to help shape my self-confidence et cetera…we’ll just say that everything went completely wrong. I’m not blaming anyone. I’m just saying that I simply wasn’t handled well by anyone, and it devastated me.

The last case of group emotional abuse and the grand lack of support I experienced just killed my faith in people. Honestly, there isn’t a person on this Earth that I trust. And how does one regain a trust in humanity? I’m not even sure that’s possible, especially in these end times when wickedness is all around.

Nowadays, I end things before I allow them to waste my time, hurt me, or disappoint me, whether it’s a job or a situation where someone is trying to formulate a relationship with me. If I see one thing that reminds me of some other stuff I went through…buh-bye.

That’s trauma, baby. I have quite a bit left that needs to be worked out before it’s time to get into the Kingdom. I know I can’t get in if I’m carrying it. I know it’s there, and I’m working on it. But I’m working on it the way that the Bible says to work on it, not the way that you (society in general) think I should work on it. There’s no psychology system in the Bible. When the children have problems, they bring them to the Comforter.

I decided to try to stay with the part-time job. The environment is a little better, but it still has it’s own set of issues. This boss isn’t perfect either and neither are my co-workers, but they’re my brother and sisters, and something pushes me to keep trying to go back and spend time working with them.

Right now, I’m trying to do a little “at home” work before I go to work. All I can do is take it one day at a time and hope that I have a pleasant and fruitful day and that I can offer someone something positive today, as well.

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