Love you J

Dear J,

I used to be terrified of death. Anytime I thought about getting cancer, being kidnapped, and killed, I used to be terrified. Now I don’t mind that much. I would never do it on purpose, but it doesn’t stress me out anymore. I can at least think that you’ll be up there waiting for me. I don’t know what to say. I just feel like something is just wrong. And there is something wrong. But something wrong with me. I feel sick, like physically sick. Everything and nothing stress me out if that makes sense. I just feel so conflicted. Like every emotion and its opposite is running through my head. I feel terrified but weirdly calm. I’m so sad you’re gone, but happy you loved me. I feel like I’m going to explode J. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act anymore. I just want to stay curled up in bed watching supernatural. I don’t why it’s so easy for me to watch Supernatural, but everything else is too violent. I don’t feel hungry anymore. I feel like I’m watching everything happen in slow motion. I feel so anxious and panicked and I can’t do it. I can’t deal with anything and I can’t explain how I feel without being frustrated because I know people are judging what I say and determining what it means and I just can’t deal.  I can’t focus on anything. It’s like someone stabbed me in the heart and is slowly turning it every day I can’t pretend this is a nightmare.  I feel like I don’t have anything to do, but so much is happening. I’m just scared and sick and empty and sad and disgusted and every emotion ever. I love you J

Love your sis who is falling apart, Ash

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