this morning

This morning I apologized for fighting with him last night.  I was hoping it would make things better.  He’s been giving me the silent treatment all morning.  He’ll barely hug me.  He won’t kiss me or even look at me.  I don’t know what happened yesterday other than he was drinking again.  He was going to go to donate plasma again this morning for some money.  I figure he was after more beer.  Well, he didn’t go.  I have this sinking feeling if I let him go alone he will go to meet the bitch instead and make some excuse as to why he was gone so long and didn’t get any money.  He swears up and down that he hasn’t seen anyone or been with anyone since he got with me. He claims he’s not even looking.  He can start up a new profile behind my back and be using it and I wouldn’t  know about it. I just feel like our sex life is totally gone and all the intimacy is gone too.  I’ll never be with anyone again.  I want to have a sex life but I don’t know what to do to get him back in the saddle with me.  What do I do?  Is this just his immature way of pouting at me be because of last night?  I just don’t know what to think.  He says he hates drama but causes more drama than Susan Lucci.  I keep trying to break up and get him to leave but he keeps refusing because he wants to be with me.  We’re really not together because I feel our sexual relationship is missing.  I told him the other night it wasn’t fair to me to make me sleep alone at night and not fair to make me live a celibate life when I want sex.  Sex is the initial reason we met to begin with….on a sex dating site.  I can’t help but wonder what physical things are going on to keep him from wanting sex other than he  could be cheating.  I know he’s got some mental and emotional issues he’s dealing with.  I’ve suggested to him to write a journal to help get it out of his system and make him feel better emotionally and mentally but he refuses saying that keeping a journal is all hokum just like any 12 step program.  I realize now that if he does get help it’s going to have to be forced.  If that ever happens I can’t help but pray that he sees it for what is and continue with it once the forced part is done but I know he won’t.

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