Dear J

Dear J,

Hey J I just want to talk. I don’t really know what to say that hasn’t been said, but I’ll find something. It feels weird wearing your clothes. And trust me I’m the last person you’ll find letting themselves cry but I really want to right now. I hope you’re watching over Lily too. It’s just weird you’re gone. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met and I looked up since I was three. Three, J. It’s just not right you’re gone. I mean obviously it’s not right, but it’s just I don’t know, it is just weird and there are too many words to describe it. I feel like I can’t control my feelings and it’s like I’m falling apart but calmly.  Whenever I explain things to mom or dad I just feel frustrated cause I know they’re determining what it means and its just hard to say them without sounding stupid and I just get frustrated and I hate it and it makes me feel like I’m having a temper tantrum and I’m upset when people say they understand and they know but they don’t understand and its just so annoying. Mom obviously doesn’t get what I mean about homeschool and it’s just so frustrating and I cannot deal with it and I cannot be here or go to school I wanna be with dad and Kim and literally anywhere but here. I’m sick of mom telling me to trust her and that she understands and no one does and its just so frustrating and I hate it and I’m sick of it. I just cant and it’s so annoying and too much. It’s just too much J. I don’t know what to do and I’m sick of people telling me I’m doing it whenever I tell someone that. I just feel like I hate everyone and its so annoying and I feel like I’m going to explode. I’m sick of being talked to like a kid and I just hate it and I just don’t know what to do I’m so frustrated. I’m just so frustrated and done and I just can’t J I physically and emotionally and mentally just can’t. I miss you so much. If that even means anything anymore. I’m sick of being trapped in the nothing matters to everything matters loop. I’m sick of people telling me it will get better and I’m sick of people saying they understand. I hate it J I just feel like I hate everything it’s so much stress and I don’t know what to do. I hate this and I’m just so mad. I’m sick of it.

Love Ash

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