I’m old AF. I’m a 38 year old anti-depressant popping cannabis enthusiast, and halfway through my 2nd pregnancy. A pregnancy that wasn’t planned. And wasn’t particularly desired. I love my first child with a ferocity I wasn’t aware existed before her. And I will love the next equally, I’m sure. But I don’t necessarily enjoy being a mother. I have moments of pride, sure, when my daughter startles strangers with her intelligence, clarity, and sense of humor. However I loathe the responsibility of caring for and raising a child. I despise having physically manifested tethers to my husband, who, over the years, has become none of the things I fell in love with. I realize the part of this that I am to blame for. The part that continued to grow and evolve, leaving behind his stagnant ass. The part that finds his personality stifling and exhausting, and his attempts at love making childish, clumsy, and repugnant. I still feel love for him, in a sense. I love the dog he brought into my life, the house we’ve made into our home, and of course the tiny warrior we created when we still enjoyed being around eachother. Mostly, though, I’m just sick of him. And this life. I’m ready to move on. Unfortunately kids take YEARS to become independent. Fucking DECADES. And I gotta stick around for the whole thing as much as I feel suffocated in the most dramatic sense possible. I’ve considered affairs. I’ve carried on highly sexual text relationships with more than one man. Never resulting in anything more than words and pictures. I regularly sneak off with a coworker to a hidden place to make out. I’m not even sure why. I feel nothing. I am always in my head while its happening, never once giving over to any kind of passion. I crave someone else’s attention, flirtation, and seduction. While at the same time feeling nothing but worms under my skin at the thought of anyone actually touching me. I’m certain I’m a shit human being. And I really don’t want anyone to tell me different. I’m no good at not being selfish.
So. This is the beginning. This is where I’m at. I live my life cleaning up after people and taking care of people and putting people first that are not me. And I’d like to stop now please.