the necklace

Hey❤ so today I had a volleyball tournament. it was actually really good and it was a nice distraction for awhile. I really do love it. I know I said all the time that I hate it and I don’t want to play anymore but I really do love it. You always told me to keep playing because you knew that I really did love it. You knew everything. That’s been going through my head a lot lately. The fact that you knew EVERYTHING about me. You knew all my insecurities and you chose to look past all of them. You made me feel beautiful no matter what. Even if I just woke up you always looked me in the eyes and kissed me and just made me feel so pretty even if I knew I didn’t look my best. You saw every inch of me and you loved it all and there’s no better feeling in the world than knowing that. You excepted my whole entire being and took me for who I was. You knows my every move, the decisions that I would make, things I would always say that you knew so well you would finish my sentence for me. You heard my crazy laugh the one where I couldn’t stop because you did something that I thought was hilarious. You saw me cry and held me until I stopped. You talked me through everything and taught me so much. You taught me to love myself. That is amazing. And I love you so much for that. 

At your memorial your dad gave a speech for you. I was so proud of him he talked for so long!! Just about how much he loved you and everything he needed to let out he did. I think that was good for him. He talked about all your friends and thanked them for being so good to you. He thanked your coaches for teaching you so much, and putting up with you;) and then he started to talk about me. He thanked me for being your first love, for letting you be in love with everything that you were amazing at and needed to be working on, but also being in love with me at the same time. He said he didn’t know how you didn’t get distracted, that made me feel good haha. I loved how you always knew how to treat me and make me feel so loved but also knew the right way to separate all that from sports, school and your friends. You deserved that. You deserved to be just you sometimes, aside from me. You deserved to go hang out with your friends and have fun just you and the guys. You deserved to get all the good grades you got. You deserved to go as far as you did in all the sports you played. I saw that. I saw how much you deserved everything and I wanted to honor that. Your dad started to tell a story that I had never heard before, because you didn’t tell me. That necklace. That stupid necklace that I gave you so much shit for and asked why you would spend so much money on a silly little chain. Little did I know your plan was to give it to me all along. You knew someday we were going to our separate ways and live our new lives and you wanted me to have a piece of you. That is SO special to me. I will cherish that forever and if I ever find that necklace I promise you I will always have it with me. I promise you. Thank you for being so thoughtful and loving. I’m hard to love sometimes but somehow you always found a way to. I wish more than anything I could be saying all this in person. More than anything I wish that I could see you one last time and say goodbye. My heart still sinks everyday when I wake up and realize it’s all still true and I know it will be that way for a long time. This life is hard without you. It’s so hard and I’m not sure how I get through the day sometimes. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to keep going sometimes. I question it a lot. I question how a person is supposed to go on, to laugh, to have fun, to love again. I don’t know. The truth is I have no idea but I guess I’m going to find out someday. I have to. If I’m being honest I’ve thought about just ending it. I think a lot of people close to you have thought of that. A chance to see you and to see you forever. But then again that’s just what everyone says. When you die you get to see the ones you’ve lost. But what if that isn’t true? What if I don’t see you. I want to believe it but I do question it. I hope when I do die someday I get to see you. That would be the best thing in the world. I hope one day that I find someone who even comes close to making me as happy as you made me. And when that days come I know it’s going to be a relief, but it will also be the hardest thing to go through besides this. For you and for me. I know you want me to be happy but I also know that seeing me with someone else is going to be hard and right now that is hard for me to think about. And I promise that won’t happen for a long time I just want you to know. I want you to know that no matter who I meet no matter who I marry someday. YOU will always have my heart. You will always be my first love. You will always be the one that I think of when I go to sleep and when I wake up. No matter what it will always be you in the back of my mind I promise.

I love and miss you so much, and I hope you’re finding how to be happy wherever you are.

with so so so much love and tears


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