4/17/18 part 1

So as im typing this my day is just starting. I woke up and begged my mom for my pants and shoes that got delivered yesterday. I really wanted those. I kept thinking about just taking them. I have nothing more to lose. Nothing more for them to take away if I disobey. They were the only thing keeping me postive most of yesterday before they were taken from me. She said she’d think about it. All while I was having an internal battle with myself on whether I should blackmail her with how she kissed my dad when he came to gather his things from the garage a week before we were moving to Dallas to live with my stepdad. Whom she will be marrying this Saturday. This was about a year ago and my stepdad doesn’t know. My dad even claims that there were more instances where they’ve kissed and gone a bit further and my mom denied it but I don’t know who to believe because my mom kept that she was seeing my stepdad from us for 3 years. Enough for any child to lose their trust in their mother. My parents have been separated for 3 years, the same amount of time my mom and stepdad have been together. I didn’t know about my stepdad until a year after my biological parents seperated. A year filled with my mom ditching us with my dad or grandmother to go out of town without telling anyone where she was. Not even her own mother. All that pain from the last few years have moments like this where my clingy numbness betrays me. I felt a similar pain when I cried earlier because I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t talk to me about my coming out this Sunday. She didn’t say anything until we got alone in the car. She asked why I was so upset and I felt the rage and hot tears build up in my ducts and throat. I told her I didn’t understand why she was avoiding talking to me about my sexuality. She thinks I’m confused. I don’t understand how she can blame the people around me for “confusing” me when all the gay people I know I met this year or last year. I’ve known about how I felt since 8th grade. Ive liked 2 girls since then and I’ve flirted with quite a few. I think she questions all my friends now, especially the ones who have spent the night. And I know she knows taking my things is wrong and she knows how much its hurting me. But she likes having control. And she was content thinking that I had forgotten all about the incident with my dad or hoping I had. I couldn’t hold myself back. I basically blackmailed my mother and I feel remorse. Because of course who blackmails their mother? She was mad but I felt her nervousness the same way she felt mine on Sunday when she was yelling at me to unlock my phone and show her what she thinks im hiding. We were pulling up to our usual drop off spot when we were arguing. And I told her I didn’t understand how she was going to get married and not think about things like this and not confess to my stepdad. She told me my stepdad didnt need to know and in the most calm voice I could I said “I know.” I felt her stare at me as I got out of the car. I felt her fear as I shut the door and saw her eyes look at me from the corner of mine. I know she’s going to be thinking about this all day. And I have a feeling I’ll be getting, at the least, my packages by the end of today. I feel guilt and some regret. But the only thing I cherished that has all my bland secrets and the only form of communication I had when I was stuck in my dungeon was taken from me. Now im stripped. I feel naked and angry. Like a bitter gorilla in a zoo. She’ll manipulate and fight for what she wants. She’ll even betray her troop for treats. 

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