more unanswered questions

Hi J,

I saw your ashes two days ago. I wasn’t supposed to I wasn’t supposed to see them. Mom had them in her room and when I found out they were there I freaked out. I said I would leave that house if they weren’t moved. I couldn’t.. I can’t be in a house where they are.. where you are just feet away from me. There you are but it’s not you at all. It’s a lost version of you. A dead ashy ruined version of you. Anything is better than you at the hospital though. That’s a horrible thought right? I’d rather see ashes.. Maybe not no.. I would rather see ashes than see your dead deformed horrific body on a hospital bed.

So mom moved them to the shed and I was putting away some paint.. walked in and there you were… There you are. Mom and Nick were standing over them crying.. balling. They were putting the ashes in a necklace for ashlynne. Ya that’s a thing.. People put ashes in a necklace. ya.. I think that’s creepy as fuck and would never be able to touch that thing. But that’s what she wanted so she could have a piece of you. No seriously a literal piece of you. WTF I wonder which pieces she got. Probably your heart cause it was so big… Dude I just wanted to put the damn paint away. Curse me for being OCD and needing to clean up my messes. There’s so much of them. So much.. Then again you were a big guy. Just horrible thoughts. Constant horrible thoughts. Uhg. I think the anger fuels the writing. I don’t want it to I want to write cause I enjoy it because I love and miss you. But I do write because of those things to. Because I love you so much and miss the fuck out of you. 

Do you miss us? Do you still see us? Do you see anything? Are you anywhere? Are you here? Just more unanswered questions.

I love you J. 


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