So instead I talk to you

Hey J,

I feel like I haven’t written to you in forever. It just doesn’t seem worth while anymore. Pointless. Everything seems pointless. School, Work, Food, Ambitions, Planning for the Future just dumb. I want to write to you I really do it’s just so difficult to even know what to say sometimes because I don’t know if you are here. If you are listening. I need you here still. Even if it’s not how it’s supposed to be I need to know you are still with me. Of course you are still here with me in my head and in my heart but I don’t feel you. REALLY YOU. Your spirit your soul. YOU. I just miss you so much I hope you know that. I hope you know I love and miss you so damn much. I was able to sleep without a sleeping pill last night. That wasn’t the first night but every time I do I can’t help but be a little proud of myself in a weird way. I feel proud but then horribly sad. Sad because if I sleep without a sleeping pill then I wasn’t thinking of you. Well I was thinking of you but I was able to stop. To stop thinking about you to fall asleep. That terrifies me. It terrifies me to think that I will stop thinking about you. Stop remembering you. 

My teacher is playing speeches online right now in class. The guy is talking about someone being murdered and people beating one another and then telling stories. He is telling a stories from different peoples point of view. I feel sick. I feel like I am going to cry. I feel like I want to puke. I feel shaky and I want to pass out. I want to pass out and never wake up until I see you. I can’t even here stories about this stuff. About blood, murder, abuse. I just can’t and I don’t think I ever will be. I don’t know why I haven’t left the classroom yet. I should’ve I should’ve left the classroom. I just don’t want to leave every time this happens. I need to be able to sit in a classroom sit in a car sit in a room and here these things without freaking out. So instead I talk to you. Somehow this helps. Instead of freaking out on the outside I freak out on the inside.. to you. You still help me even though you aren’t here. I think that would make you feel better, I think that would make you happy. Are you? Are you happy? You better be. I need to know you are okay and happy. I wasn’t kidding when I said that. When I said I will ask that questions everyday for the rest of my life until you give me an answer. I need an answer J. Please. 

I love you so much,

sincerely, 

your big sis 

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