entry i

It’s 10pm, still have yet to write my paper, but I’m gonna start this tonight. I have to.

The motivation to do anything with myself is very minuscule. I feel hopeless but I can’t be trapped here anymore. I have to try, I know I do. I also made the decision to stop smoking weed. I want to go back to my weed-free days. I don’t feel like anything good is coming out of being high these days. College definitely killed my love for weed, so I do not intend to smoke it anymore. It is addictive no matter what anybody says. Do I see myself never smoking again in my lifetime? Eh, possibly. There might be a time where I smoke it once in a social situation, given there is one, but for now I don’t intend on participating in the drug use on my own. I’m still going to keep my bowl, just because it’s pretty.

My depression has been getting the best of me lately. I’ve been asleep literally all day and I still want to sleep some more. I skipped dance practice; they asked me if I still wanted to be apart of the show…I should have declined. I know damn well that I want nothing to do with pep anymore. I just want to grab my windbreaker and go, however, I can’t. I made a commitment to the team. I’m so close to being done with school, 26 more days and I get to be home. I think I’m going to take a week break and then start working again. I need to breathe. Detox.

Speaking of detoxing, I’m pretty excited for this water fast tomorrow. I’m not doing it for weight loss, I’m not doing it because I feel like I’m fat (even though I do), I truly want to get rid of all the toxins I have in my body–mentally and physically. I truly need to change my ways and force myself out of this labyrinth. There’s no way I am going to get out of this unless I really try to myself.

Javanie and I won’t be speaking for some time, and I’m starting to feel okay with that. I deleted snapchat, instagram, and I have his texts on “do not disturb” so I won’t know if or when he texts me. In the beginning, he did manage to get on my nerves with how he behaves, but I didn’t care. I only care now because I’m unhappy with myself, so the unhappiness I have with myself is leaking into how I react with others. If there’s one thing Tyler was right about when it came to me, it was that. I hated it because he was right.

It’s such an unhealthy pattern I have with men. I allow myself to completely lose my mind for these boys. I would say that I should take time to better myself so that I can have a healthy and successful relationship, but I feel as though that, with all the damage I have endured in my life, that it will take so many years for me to finally be “ready” for a relationship. I fear that by the time I’m mentally ready, I will have supposed to have been settled down with a stable job, a husband, and kids. I want to be in love now.

I’ve also been realizing that I want Javanie, sexually, more than ever. I wish that we could just f*ck our problems away, but that would be the unhealthier route of relational recovery. We need to talk about our issues. We need to have a sit-down, adult, face-to-face conversation on where we stand and where we want to go. Time and time again he says he does not know how to “do relationships”..well, I have two responses for that: either break up with me and use me as a learning experience, or let me teach you so we can build off each other. After the conversation, though, then we can f*ck each other’s brains out.

I’m getting too sleepy, so I wanna start banging out this essay before it gets too late. At this point I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense. I just need to have it done.

Goodnight, journal, I’ll see you soon,

n.s.

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