What matters

The old cliche that everyone comes into your life for a reason… yeah, i know its true. 

Today I feel like a shit mom. As I listened to my kids cry in their bed, as I packed their lunches at 9pm for tomorrow, I thought about WHY I feel like such a shit mom today specifically. What images come to mind? In my mind I’m mainly seeing this one girls face, a girl from my hometown that I haven’t seen since we were kids (and maybe only once then), that I see now on Instagram everyday. I see her perfect, beautifully designed house. It’s clean, and she shows off how clean it is. It’s clean to the point of being BARE in my opinion. This girl has 5 kids. She won’t let yo forget for a second that she’s a MOMMA TIMES 5. I think she’s working with 2nd grade to infant. Did I mention her house is clean? She posts instead stories and pics of her kids playing together, herself working out, her perfect house, her snuggling the kids and loving on them. 

 

When i get mad at my kids or myself it’s because of that devil named comparison. 

When I feel good about what we are doing with our family and our life, I think of our beautiful friend laci. 

She has 2 kids and a husband, and she is dying of cancer. She tried everything aggressively for a year, and then they gave her 6-12 months to live. So she quit her job, pulled her kids out of school, and went to Hawaii (where she could stay for free due to a connection) with her friends and family, who also took turns coming and hanging out with them. 

I mean- live with no limits. Do what you want to do. Don’t allow yourself to be confined within some arbitrary system. 

We do that. Our kids are wild and free and we ourselves don’t have conventional jobs our schedules our routines. And that’s 110% how I like it. My kids don’t like to go to bed and they don’t like getting up for school. I struggle so much with both those tasks and it’s a source of yelling and flighting. Often. Not everyday… this morning we had a good morning as we sometimes do. But tonight, it’s 930 and those shits are still awake and keep trying to come out here and get something bullshit out of me…… my husband is out of town for work as he pretty much always is (except weekends lately). So I tell at them and throw them back in bed. Then I feel guilty. I want them to be well behaved like the instagram girls kids. But I also want to love and be kind and gentle and appreciate them like my dying friend might tell me to.

i don’t know what to do with them. Too strict, too mean? Too lenient? Too much of a push over? They’re not under control? I yell too much? I honestly don’t know. 

I know what matters though, thanks to my knowing laci. 

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