I can’t live here forever. My family supports the person who abused me, I can’t see myself having to live with my rapist’s presence, even if he’s no longer that bad anymore. It could be paranoia, but if he ever explodes, I don’t want to be here when that happens. I’m mature enough that I can care for myself. I have zero proof of what he did, I have no case, I have nothing. I don’t want to be here when he get’s a girlfriend or becomes successful, he’s still a greedy bastard.
I have had a few sleepless nights thinking about college, finding a job, what am I going to do about living situations and how I’m going to eventually move out. If not because I want to, I’ll do it for my sanity. I have to move out, there’s no choice if I ever want to move on with my life.
To let go of the past, to start anew.
I’m sad too. Disowning my family by dropping all contact or ways they could find me, that has to be hard, right?I’m scared too, who wouldn’t be? I need to do this eventually though, with or without help. It’s in the back of my head, always in the back of my head. I never tell anyone that I plan to leave this town and never come back. I have to do it. I feel like my identity will be stripped, that’s what I’m afraid of mostly. I’ll start over again, I’m still young, I can do that.
I can leave this awful place and start up somewhere else and pretend none of this happened.I can leave and pretend I’m someone new and I can strip myself of my personal history and the people who used to be in my life. So many questions, not enough answers about how to handle this myself.
I get this urgency sometimes that I need to leave. It’s just in my heart, the feeling. The feeling that it’s not a choice.
There’s one thing I know, and that is that things will be hard.