Friday April 20

So happy. I really feel so happy! Greg is coming to Lexington tomorrow. Oh lord, this has to go well! I’ve had a lot of time to think about it. I have to be careful with the beer. I cannot get drunk. For two reasons: 1. I don’t want to feel bad on Saturday and 2. I want to be in control. I need to drink a whole water for every beer. I must. I drank SOME water when I went out with Reed, but only like 2 glasses, and lord knows how many beers. I did only drink one at Double Dogs, I’m sure of that. However many, it was too many. I wasn’t out of control, but I did drink enough to feel bad the next day. 

I think Greg and I could be the real thing. I have NEVER, EVER, EVER had a man be nice to me. EVER. I have always been treated like shit. Even fucking Adam. Lord. WHAT was I thinking??? 

Yesterday, Greg and I kind of had an argument about politics- I knew he was pissed. I thought that might be it. The end. I need to talk to Lisa about that. I do that across the board. I do that with jobs- if someone is mean to me I say fuck it and leave. With every relationship I’ve ever had, I assume a fight means the end of the relationship. I am scared to fight with someone. I think some of that comes from my mother. I was afraid to make her mad. I still am. When Noah says something to her that I think will make her mad, I want to tell him to shhhh. I am scared of her anger. 

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