Hey J

Dear J,

 I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while. I feel like I’m back at stage one where it’s not real again. I feel like it hurts so bad it’s just numb like I’m too sad to even recognize it because it feels normal. I don’t want to forget you J. I think about you every day. I just wish I could tell you I loved you one more time, and hug you and never let go. The worst thing is I don’t know if you’re here or not. I wish I could know if you were right next to me or are somewhere else. I just really don’t want to forget you. I’m scared I’m going to. I can’t forget you and I don’t want a distraction. I want to think about you every second of every day, I don’t wanna let go. I know you wouldn’t want me to leave school but I can’t. Sure its fun sometimes but no one really cares. They just say I’m sorry and don’t even blink an eye. I’m sorry I didn’t give your girlfriend your cologne. I just miss you and I don’t know what to do, I just wish I could tell you I loved you again. I miss you J. Everyone says they care about me, but they don’t even care when I say I was close to you or that you died. Also, why does everyone keep asking if we were close? Are we close? I don’t know. I was close to you I think. But why does it matter? I don’t know J, does anything matter.  I think you’d be proud of me. I got all gold in PE, and I ran the mile in time for you, you athletic nut. I just miss you and everywhere reminds me of you. I love your weird huge crooked toes and how it took you two seconds to get ready in the morning. Even now I’m not gonna stop making fun of you. It just feels like it happened so fast and it’s not right because I didn’t get to say goodbye. Everything was right where we left off, and I didn’t get to say goodbye. I love you J and it feels weird to be saying it so much more now because you’re dead. Night J sweet dreams.

Love your sis who feels a lot, Ash

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