I had plans today…to clean…to dance…to smile. I got a call from my sister that my mom is now playing in her feces…what? I feel like my mom already died and we just didn’t have a funeral. I used to call my mom every single day…I never missed a day. I almost feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to anymore. I know that isn’t true, but it’s different. My mom was and is very special to me. When I got older I realized she did some good things for me, but she also fucked up too. When her illness started, I was angry that I had to take care of her. I remembered all of the times she didn’t take care of me and was so upset that I had to care for her. The beginning of her illness was rough because she was bitter X10,000 and angry. My mom was always bitter and a little angry, but this was a whole new level. It upset me so much to live with her and deal with it. I regret all that now because now her illness took a turn of playing in her feces. We were close…and now I don’t have that anymore. My mom loved me I know…she was my biggest fan. She was always so proud of my modeling and showed me off to anyone and everyone. I never thought of myself as singer or that I could sing well, but I just liked to sing. My mom thought I was an amazing singer and would always try and record me. I haven’t let the flood of all of this pain festering in there come out and expose itself. To be honest journal, I am afraid to do that alone. I am not saying I would kill myself, but I may find dwindling reasons to live. I am 32, single, 8 cats, divorced, and have had men knocking at my door to either hit it or use me for what I can give to them. When is someone going to care about me?? When is someone going to ask me what I need? If I am ok? Why can’t I find the man that isn’t perfect, but perfect for me.

Well…I feel like I have. Scott just puts a peace in my heart that I haven’t felt. I haven’t truly been at peace, but instead at war with my heart and feelings. I have been avoiding letting true emotions out because I am tired of being hurt and hurting from what’s festering and waiting to come out. He makes me laugh so much and feel so accepted for who I am. I think he is so amazing. He’s the perfect man in my eyes. I would do anything to be with him honestly and I haven’t said that about anyone. I haven’t been willing to do anything for someone else to that extent. 

I would love him so good. I would treat him like a King. He would be my King and I would have that man’s back 110%. I think about all of the adventures that we could have together. I think about camping, driving around, watching movies, talking, him showing me new things or teaching me new things and vice versa. I don’t know or how he means so much to me already and I want to feel silly for it, but I don’t. This feels so real and I was getting scared I would never have this deep feeling ever. I almost felt like I might be dead inside…he makes me feel alive. He makes me want to be a better person and do my job better. I don’t want to say I am in love with him because that seems too soon, but I love him. As a human being and the perfect man that I see…I love.

I want to stick this out…I want to see where this goes. I want to wait and hope that we end up together. I hope he chooses me…

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