I give up

I’ve resorted to begging again for sex.  I explained to him that when he refuses me or won’t approach me it makes me feel unattractive and ugly….repulsive even.  He doesn’t even tell me that he still thinks I’m beautiful or pretty or even sexy any more….now that I think about it he hasn’t for several months.  Yesterday and today have been the first time he’s told me he loved me without prompting in probably 3 weeks.  He just gives me a hug and a kiss and that’s all.  I just don’t know how stupid I could be.  I’m empathic for Christ sake…..even had a friend that’s psychic tell me Ian didn’t love me any more or that he didn’t think I was sexy any more.  I’m going to get him to Phoenix to his sister’s house and go back to Dallas.  At least there I know where to hide so that I can sleep in the car or pitch the tent to sleep.  I won’t be able to air up the air mattress…I’ll have to sleep on the hard ground.  But at least Ian will be able to bring the rich, pregnant bitch out to Phoenix to be with her.  Hell he could even come back here to be with her.  He sure isn’t attracted to me.  I just wish he would quit the charade and quit pretending he loves me.  I know he’d rather be with her.  I will quit trying to find someone to be a companion or even trying to find friends.  Nobody wants me.  My own mother threw me away like trash.  Why would I think anyone else would view me is anything else.

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