Civil

This morning we’re being civil….no affection at all.  And of course he’s back to ignoring me.  I’ve finally driven the wedge deep enough that I’ve pushed him away.  It hurts so bad because I love him so much.  But of course he doesn’t love me and isn’t attracted to me any more, that is if he ever was.  I guess the last few months I’ve enjoyed sleeping next to a man again if only just for a while.  The affection was nice, the sex was great but the affection and sex belong to the rich pregnant bitch.  Ian never was mine to have, only hers.  I know I’ll never again find what we had for just a brief shining moment.  What we had a first is all I ever wanted in my life.  It finally has sunk in that I’ll never have that, I never deserved that.  I should have realized that when my mother abandoned me for Rick.  When my own family doesn’t want me I can’t very well expect a stranger to want me.

It hurts so much seeing him sitting across the table from me and naked knowing I’ll never have him again.  I wanted to believe he loved me so much I think I was blinded to the truth.  In order for us to get a room in Phoenix we would have to put it in his name, let me pay cash and then for me to get tossed out on my ass.  I can only assume he would have the bitch close at hand to take my spot in the room and in his heart.  She’s probably in his heart already.  I would say to replace me but I was never in his heart to start with, only her.

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