Drinking and reflecting on things..

   I haven’t really spent a lot of time on social media as much as I usually do. I probably should catch up on answering anything someone sent me through text or just keeping up with friends in general.

But no.Why?On my only good day I decided to drink.

    I thought it would be a good idea to mix up some root beet and a decent amount of rum and just go at it. Started at 4pm, then I went on to having some wine to top it off. Fell asleep early and woke up incredibly early, slightly nauseous and feeling like I was trying to get a six pack the night before. Felt oddly sore from what I’m used to, but oh well, I won’t overthink it…

   This afternoon I’m just depressed again, maybe a bit suicidal. One of my friends brought up a post I made on an old social media account I no longer use. It was a post on a miscarriage I had a few years back. 

Good job at trying to keep your secrets as secrets!

    I spent most of my intoxicated night just pretty thoughtless in general. Not a thought in mind but I still ended up somehow coming back to the thoughts on the miscarriage I had a few years back, especially after my friend brought it up. I guess I feel like old wounds have been ripped open and exposed to flesh-eating insects that have caused an infection.Or maybe it feels like I have  knife stuck in my back and I have no choice but to forever carry it around embedded into my flesh.

    I probably should also lay off the rum and wine but I still have that rum/root beer I didn’t finish and should probably finish it before it starts to taste nasty. I have avoided drinking after the thoughts on my miscarriage came up, I don’t want to rely on alcohol, I have this fear that I’ll end up like an alcoholic. Someone who drinks like a fish and depends on alcohol to fix their emotional issues.

   Maybe I should just finish it and try to relax. 


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