I just found out that my great uncle passed away. I feel a bit sad only because he was one of the few members of my extended family that was unconditionally nice to me when I introduced myself to them 6 years ago. He was only nice because his mind had already left him. He had Alzheimer’s or Dementia… I’m sure he was nice before that, he was apparently close with my father before he died almost 28 years ago. Comforting to hear, right? So many questions, like why did I only meet them for the first time 6 years ago and why weren’t they in my life before that… and how did my father die you ask? So. Many. Questions.
One thing I am feeling? Severely annoyed. I am starting to understand that I am only ever going to receive either bad news or guilt trips from said ‘family’. I won’t be notified about happy things like 50th wedding anniversaries. I will, however, get notified months after the fact in an emotionless x-mas card that is sent out of duty instead of love (because once you open Pandora’s box…).
I desperately longed for family and unconditional love, and I sought it out when I found out that I had family. I was SO excited to finally have the ONE thing I always dreamed of. And what did I get? Disappointment. So much disappointment. I could blame all of it on her. She was the poison that created this mess. But if they loved me, they would have fought for me. So who is wrong here? It’s hard to say when I distanced myself from all of them, especially after how they treated me. Maybe I’m the disappointment… After all, as one cousin said about me even though he has yet to meet me, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”.
My heart hurts.