Just Breathe

Today is the day.  Today I have decided that I need to breathe. I have been smoking cigarettes for 13 years and today… is the day I quit. I can feel my lungs starting to shrivel like prunes and I can’t fucking breathe. No more… TODAY I take my lungs back. 

My last cigarette was at 8:00 this morning. I lit it, smoked it, and afterwards felt my lungs get tight. I couldn’t breathe.

I want to breathe,

I want to be able to take a large breath and not cough.

I want to be able to smell and taste things again.

I don’t want to smell like an ashtray.

I want to keep up with my son and not have to stop what I’m doing because I need a cigarette.

The craving is really starting to kick in at this point. I managed to go my entire lunch break without smoking. The hardest part, is getting in the car and not lighting up. Its now 2:01 in the afternoon and I can feel the craving really starting to kick in. I know though, that if I succumb to a cigarette, my chest will feel tight and I will soon regret my decision to let this stupid addiction take me over. I have quit before, twice actually. Once because I wanted to and second because I was pregnant and I wasn’t going to subject my baby to my addiction. I often wonder why the hell I started back up?!   It just goes to show that no matter what, if you have an addiction, no matter what it is, you never truly get over it. It just stays dormant in  your system until something triggers it. My willpower will have to stay strong for the rest of my life, because I know that there will be a time when I want to smoke a cigarette. I have to stay strong. This isn’t just about me. Yes, I am quitting for a healthier me… but ultimately I am quitting because I want to be around for my baby boy. He deserves a healthy momma. He truly is my focal point. I will conquer this and I will make myself healthier. Smoking and food are killing me. I will change that.

Here we go.

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