Hey guys! It’s been awhile.
Well first things first, just to update, I finally found some roommates and the perfect apartment. I got a 3 bedroom 2 bath, with 2 other people: Jada and Ryan. Jada is 20, the same age as me. She went to school for cosmetology and now works at one of the nicest hair salons in town. She is petite, super pretty, and has long fire engine red hair. She also loves drinking and spending time with her boyfriend and her cat, Koda, who I ADORE. Ryan, also has a cat but he’s staying with Ryan’s family until Thursday. And to introduce Ryan; Ryan is 23, gay, loves smoking weed, cats, and playing video games. He’s really laidback and actually pretty sexy. But he plays for a different team and even if he didn’t, I’m pretty fucking repulsive, so that’s a no go. Lol.
We’ve been living here for a little over a week. It’s gorgeous and super modern. Marble countertops. Dark cocoa cabinets. Washer dryer in unit. We only have to pay internet and electric for utilities. Also, my bedroom is the biggest it’s ever been, give or take this one bedroom I had when I was a child. Idk which one was bigger. But I love it here!
I know the last time I wrote in here me and Jordan we’re just friends. And yes, we’re still bestfriends, but we kinda fell back into old habits in a sense. But the set up now is a lot less pressure on both sides. Since we haven’t put a label on it, we kinda are just doing what feels right. If we get caught up in the moment and hook up, so be it. If we just talk and watch movies, so be it. There’s no expectation. And we like it like that. The thing with me and Jordan is we’re more than friends, less than boyfriend girlfriend. And more or less friends with benefits.
Sunday night, Jordan texted me randomly saying he wants to get wasted with me and my friend Kat. That was really strange and out of character. Because Jordan doesn’t even like drinking. But it sounded like fun and I was already buzzed and all I had planned for the night was porn and netflix, so what the hell. I told him to invite his friend Ethan.
After no response from Kat and Ethan, I asked if I could come over to watch a movie while we wait. I brought two 4 lokos and a water bottle with some peach amsterdam in it. We started drinking and ended up watching Cat In The Hat (I know, don’t judge us lol.) Turned out Kat was tired and Ethan was busy and we already had decided it would be fun to just get drunk together just the two of us anyway.
After the movie Jordan was playing guitar and being his girlfriend for 7 months I’d heard that a lot. Nothing was new. I already knew he was talented as fuck. A prodigy perhaps. He can just busts out melody after melody on the guitar. Doesn’t even mess around or write down chords. They just flow out of him. Sure, half the time the lyrics could use a little tweaking here and there but the melody is always perfect and the lyrics are always going somewhere. I’ve never seen anybody be able to make such beautiful music so fluidly. It’s comes naturally. And what I was about to say wasn’t new either. I always told him he could actually do something with this. That he could actually be a rockstar if he actually gave it half a chance…but he just doesn’t think he’s good enough. He says all of it comes too easily to him. That it’s never gonna happen. I kinda called him out on his shit. “I know what this is, Jordan. Years from now, you’re gonna be sitting on a couch with some girl after playing her a song on your guitar, and saying ‘yeah i could’ve been a star’ because you not being successful just because you didn’t care enough to try is less painful for you than actually giving it your all and failing.”
He was silent for a minute and he said. “You’re not wrong.”
And it was the truth. He is afraid to fail. And I wish he was willing to take that chance. Because I’ve always felt the opposite. It’d be more painful to wonder what could have been. That’s why when I love somebody, I tell them. When I want something, I ask for it. Rejection and failure will never be as painful as the haunting question of “what if?”
Me, drunk. And him, buzzed. Decided to go for a walk. We were talking and laughing and all of a sudden he asks “where are we going?” and I say, “on an adventure!” And we did. We had the only kind of adventure you can really have in this town. We walked and walked, talking about our dreams of true adventure and traveling . Just getting in a car and driving until we run out of gas and end up in a place we’ve never been. Maybe solve a mystery. Maybe discover something no one ever has. We kicked a stray balloon around, marched with sticks, and took unfamiliar path after ufamiliar path until we ended up in a park.
We each slid into a swing and began swinging. All of a sudden Jordan was upset and said he was never gonna be able to go on any adventures. He was never gonna be able to get out of this town. As I started to argue that he could so do all those things, he cut me off.
”I lost my job.”
This was something I had been afraid of. Something I had seen coming a long time ago but still hoped wouldn’t. We were silent for awhile.
”I didn’t know.”
“It’s fine. I didn’t say anything. You’re actually the first person I told.”
It turns out Jordan was fired for being late, after being warned multiple times. Jordan was eternally late. He was known for calling in just because he didn’t get enough sleep or didn’t feel like it. They were horrible habits. Very hard ones for him to break.
He almost teared up at one point frustrated with how the world works and how he’s just stuck in this cycle. How he’s probably gonna get evicted. I gave him like a 15 minute pep talk. About how the only way he’s gonna get different results is if he actually does something different this time around. The next job he gets he has to take seriously. In the real world, you have to work to survive and it sucks but it is what it is. But the money we make helps us to do fun things in the free time we DO have. When we’re not working. I gave him some real advice and some tough love. But I also above all let him know I love him and that I’m here for him. Always.
Even though, it finally turned spring here it was still cold at night so we began to walk back to his apartment. When I mentioned that disregarding the shittiness of his situation, I was glad that he trusted me enough to confide in me. And he made some remark about how he needed to tell someone and it didn’t have to be me and that he probably just told me because I was the one around him when he felt like letting it out. I usually harp on things like this or get angry or offended. But was drunk and talking out of his ass. Something I do often. Something I HATE when people hold against me. So I didn’t. I just let it go. He tried to explain but I stopped him and just told him I’m not upset and we should worry about getting him upstairs. I ordered myself an uber because it was getting late and I had work tomorrow. Jordan stopped me minutes before I left and said that he doesn’t care whether or not I’m mad about it. He wanted me to know the actual truth of why he said that. “I did confide in you. And it wasn’t because you were the only person around or any of that bullshit that I was spewing. The reason I confided in you is because I love you and you’re my bestfriend. I was just too much of a pussy to admit that I actually trust you, because everytime I put my trust in someone I get screwed over or they take advnatage of it or they leave, like my father.”
I hugged him tight and told him I love him too and I’m glad he trusts me. Before I left I reminded him to get some sleep and stay safe. He rolled his eyes at me and and told me that he won’t. That he’s gonna jump off the balcony instead.
Well anyway that was last night. And today was pretty uneventful. I just worked and watched netflix and watched porn and ate way too much food. I’m actually on a diet right now. But I still find myself overreating. I guess they didn’t build Rome in a day. That’s all for now.