Slip

So I slipped a little  I didn’t fall completely, I slipped.  The last time I did that big IOS update to my iPhone, it disabled a few things like my battery meter and the signal strength used to show a number, now it reverted back to just those five bars.  Another thing happened too.  

I used to work and stay in the Sultanate of Oman, a beautiful oasis in the Arab middle east where my surrogate father Z lived.  He’s lived in the USA for decades where I met him, then returned home to Oman.  When I miss that land since he died in 2005, it is occasionally in my thoughts.  Not as much as it used to be as my grief for Z and the life I once led has waned.  Still, one day I entered Oman Webcams in my phone’s search engine and saw a couple which let me view the airport in Oman’s capital Muscat, and the grand mosque.  The search engine also auto populated Woman Webcams.  To my surprise, I was able to click on porn.  The update had disabled my parental control app porn blocker.  For several days I was delighted to be able to view porn videos and I was back again where I used to play.

I did not go to the next level as I used to, posting nude pics of myself in personal ads trying to elicit sexy replies from strangers.  Would I have gone there?  Probably because addiction is always progressive.  One day my wife and I were meeting with painters and a call came in from a prospective tenant.  I asked her to take the call while I continued talking to the painters.  She talked and looked at the phone then handed it back.  I then realized that the last thing on my screen would have been some pretty hardcore porn.  Her whole demeanor seemed to change.  She wasn’t mean but I sensed something different.  We played pickleball with friends, talked lightly and I said I needed to get to my meeting that Sunday afternoon.  And I really did need to go, as much as ever.

As I left for my meeting I said “I love you” and she responded “ok”.  She asked if I would be gone for an hour, which I am every Sunday so, yeah.  I talked at length in the meeting and asked for our topic to be step 7 again, asking God to remove my shortcomings.  When I returned home I put my key in the door and it would not open.  That sinking feeling that she had somehow changed the locks like she had prepared for this day all along just in case I relapsed.  

I knocked and she surprisingly opened the door.  She asked “why knock?”.  I looked down and answered, “oh…. I was trying to use the wrong key”.

That my friends, was a higher power moment.  God reminded me of how close I had come to completely losing everything I had fought for.  Of all my keys on my ring, I chose one that looked like the right one, was able to slide it fully into the lock, but it would not turn. My interpretation of my wife’s behavior was all in my head.  Or was it.  I again feel that God was showing me how close I had come to both falling and ruining my progress and my relationship with my wife and home.  Lesson learned.

We took a walk that evening and I confessed to my wife.  I told her how far I’d gone and not gone and she was receptive.  I reloaded the porn blocker and prayed great thanks.

Lesson learned.  

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