Tuesday April 24th

I have been happily talking to Greg for a little more than 3 weeks now. I don’t remember what day it started, but I know we were texting on 4/7 the day I went out with Reed. When Brent and I first got together, there was no game playing- there was none of the dating stuff that I have learned about the last 10 years. We were both all in from the beginning. I never questioned whether or not we would move forward. It was a push forward from the first date. We moved in together after only two months or so of dating. That sounds crazy to me now, but it seemed to make sense at the time. I wonder if we had taken things slower, if we would have married. Maybe, maybe not. I definitely won’t go that fast again, but I do get the same sense that Greg and I are both all in. He was talking about his boys last night and I absolutely melted. He said he often would fix things for them when they weren’t looking. What an amazing man he is, what an amazing father, friend, human being. I really want this to work. I like him so much it scares me. I will be glad when we have our second date so I can stop thinking about everything I think I did wrong on the first one. I’m certain he doesn’t think I did anything wrong, but you know me, hyper critical of everything I do. I want him to be the one. 

Later, that same day…

I’m working on the last minute crap for my class. Ugh. Now I wish I hadn’t started this program! I don’t even know that I will teach anymore after my 6 years now- if things work out- Greg is all I think about right now. It kind of feels weird to call him Greg because I don’t think anyone does. I know they call him coach, and call him his last name, and there’s another nickname that I kind of 1/2 remember and he said it this weekend but I don’t remember, but anyway, I don’t think anyone calls him his name. Oh well, I can be like Claire on House of Cards- she’s the only one that calls her husband Francis. I am anxious for summer to get here so he and I will have more time. I am anxious to see what he thinks this should look like. I picture myself staying with him a lot, but he may not- not sure. I will feel better when he talks to me – says something about our relationship- gives it a name- says I’m his girlfriend, or that he wants us to be exclusive, or whatever. I deleted Tinder. I hope I never have to do that again. I want us to be together. I feel a lot more need for that than I did with Craig- in fact, with Craig for a long time, I just saw him every other weekend- he didn’t come to my house when he had Seth. And then he started coming every weekend. I wonder how that relationship would have gone if it was around in the days of facebook- when Craig would have to openly declare he was in a relationship with me- and be in photos with me that all would see- ha. Facebook really messes with bullshit liars and cheaters. 

I just will feel better when we are on more stable footing- like I know better where I stand- he went to the hematologist today. He said he won’t know anything until next week. I was worried because he hadn’t texted me after he had gone today. I think- I really, really think we could have a happy life together. 

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