I’m trying

Dear J,

Hey J, I ever tell you I wish I was there with you. I know it would make everything worse for everyone, but I still selfishly want to be with you, even though it would hurt everyone else that much more. I wouldn’t have to hurt this much and I would be with you. Again, I would never do it on purpose, but I wish I was in the accident with you and none of this nightmare would ever have happened. It’s too much J. I can’t bear it. All of the pressure from school, my friends expecting me to be over it, arguing with mom, putting on a face, everything thinking I’m being overdramatic, it’s just too much. I’m gonna break. I feel like on the inside its just like all of this weight is literally put on me and everyone thinks I’m fine but I’m about to collapse. Everyone keeps telling me I can handle it, but I can’t anymore J. I keep feeling like I can snap my fingers and I can bring you back, I just haven’t yet, but I can’t. Nothing is ever going to bring you back ever again. Whenever I thought about my siblings dying, I always thought it wouldn’t happen, because I loved you too much and it would be too hard to be real.  I keep trying to be strong and brave for you. To be the person you would want me to be, to keep going and forget about you and be ok. I can’t J and I feel even worse because I know you wouldn’t want this for me, but I’m falling apart inside J. It’s only so long till I do on the outside. I feel so sick and tired and done.  And now I have to be worried about people thinking I’m depressed when they don’t get it. No one does. And all I can do is see people judging what I say and what I do and how I respond to how are you. What do I even say? “Not good,” with a smile on my face? And then tell them what happened and have nothing affect me and them wonder if I actually care or not?  I don’t know anymore J. I love you.

Love your sis who’s about to break, Ash

Leave a Comment: