Today is a rainy day. It’s affecting my mood like crazy. I had a super weird dream where it felt like my husband was running away from me and I had to find him but at the same time he was always right there. I try not to read too much into dreams because I know it’s just your brain regenerating itself and getting rid of unimportant things. I do think this one stemmed from how he’s been acting the past few days. He keeps saying he’s in a “blah” mood. Which means he’s overwhelmed. He’s worried about moving. He has to find a new job, he’s worried about the cat adjusting to the new house and environment, we’re moving to a city and he doesn’t particularly like cities, and we decided for me to stop birth control. So I get there’s a lot going through his head. But he’s been so weird lately. Maybe we both have. IDK.
We had sex last night. I was on my period this past week so we haven’t for a week and I was going crazy. SO it should’ve been great, right? It wasn’t really. I insisted on using a condom since I’m not on birth control. Not only did the condom make sex not as good, the feel of the rubber was a little painful. But also, the idea of him using a condom annoys me because it defeats the purpose of me going off birth control. IDK, I guess it just kinda hurt my feelings. I feel like he’s just telling me he wants a kid but his actions show the exact opposite. I keep feeling like I made a mistake going off birth control because he doesn’t seem to be on the same page as me. Maybe things will get better once we move.
I cannot wait to move. I am so sick of our tiny little apartment. I am more sick of this stupid school though. I am not sure if I am gonna make a passing grade (which is a B for grad students) in one of my classes. I did really bad on this latest exam, even though it’s the one I had the most time to study for. I think part of it is that because I am leaving, I don’t have any motivation to keep trying hard. Especially because it’s molecular genetics and the material is so dense. It’s like taking anatomy and physiology again and I wasn’t mentally prepared to have to try that hard. At least for next year, when I have to take it again at my new school, I’ll be prepared.