Wednesday April 25th

New anxiety issues. So now it’s been so long since I’ve had a relationship or even the prospect of a relationship, now I’m a nervous wreck that I’m gonna mess it up somehow. I can’t stop thinking about every detail of when he was here, what I did wrong, what I should have done, and on and on. I am afraid to be happy- I am afraid it will be pulled out from under me. I really do wonder if I am just too broken to ever be normal. I can’t even enjoy the giddiness of a new relationship, because I am afraid to. I am afraid if it doesn’t work out, I will just end up lower than I was before. I have to not care so much. I have to get it together or I will wreck this. Yesterday I was getting in a panic because I didn’t hear from him for a while. I have to stop or I will make myself sick. I don’t know what to say to him- I don’t know what the right thing to say is – I am completely freaked out. I need to stop thinking about him and try to focus on something else. 

I have to chill the fuck out. 

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