As I lay awake thinking, looking at old pictures, I see the happy, joy filled girl I used to be. Where she was so secure in her life and was stuck in her comfort zone, however, through that she encouraged and brought wisdom to her friends. She was so immersed in joy that everyone around her couldn’t help, but notice and smile back.
I look back and I miss that. I miss the security of my home, school, cats, activities, and even my parents.
However, I remember the pain I would feel when I would go home. I struggles I faced when I was alone. Anxiety and Bitterness had a big hold on me. Now that they are both gone, it is almost hard to remember the way that it impacted me in a negative way. How I would almost burst into tears if I saw someone from my old school because the memories would flood back to me saying how invisible I am. How no one would care if I just disappeared into the walls and into the air.
Looking back on those times breaks my heart all over again and I can’t help but think that there is a reason why my past keeps coming back to “haunt” me in a sense.
I see so many things I regret. Things I could have taken back. Words I said. Actions committed and submitted that not only pushed me away from close friends, but hurt them so much in the progress. I was so blinded by my own bitterness I couldn’t even have empathy for then.
Which gets me to the numbness created by my own demise. I struggled so much with so many different people and my own demons that I just couldn’t take it anymore. So much to the sense that I would just block it all out. Block the emotions. Block the pain and the hurt felt. Which of course led to the bitterness.
Bitterness spreads like a wild fire. Even when you think its contained you end up finding a little more and are unsure how it even got there. Bitterness turns your heart to stone and the only person that can turn your heart into flesh is Jesus.
Let me tell you. My Jesus did that for me. Slowly, He has been turning my heart back into a heart of flesh. I never thought it could be done, but He once again proved me wrong and showed me that if I want to get anywhere in life, I have to rely on Him.
College, has been an interesting experience to say the least. I have realized so many things about myself, my relationship with God and of others around me. Honestly, it’s a 50/50 on liking it.
I wrote all of this because I am tired of being the broken person that I am. I was created by a master that beautifully formed me and changed me and I am no longer the shattered person I once was. I am a new creation. Of course I will struggle and sin and fall into my own demise again and again, but why should that stop me fro being the bold creation that God has called me to be.
If you want to see change in the world, you need to be it. God’s calling on your life is so much greater than any calling you could come with yourself. Through this He uses you in so many amazing ways that not only change the life you are ministering to, but also your own.
I want to get back to the person who I was, but instead of being secure in the earthly things and environments, I want to be secure in God. I don’t want to be afraid to say the name of Jesus. I don’t want to be afraid to stand up for what is right and fight against what is wrong.
I want to be so filled with the joy of the Lord that anyone’s path that crosses mine is radically changed because of the life of Jesus flowing through me.
Anyways, this was just some stuff I had to get off my chest. Hope it helps someone else.
Ham N Cheese