Looking back I believe I had given up at the end of the first marriage. That’s when drugs began to play a larger part in my life. I no longer believed in finding my definition of love in this life…but oddly enough still practiced that definition on a daily basis…as do I still to this day. I think that may be that bigger picture I spoke of earlier….. Faith. Faith in something much bigger than anything our humanity will allow us to comprehend. Faith in something you may not see or understand it… But those one or two times that you were gifted some type of clarity was all that was needed to change the way you live. You just know without any doubt. Most days, that is so much easier said than acted upon.
Not long after my first divorce was final, physical tragedy had struck me in a way that once more took down a path that to forbidden territory, and for good reason. A car was driving on my side of the road driving towards me and hit me head-on. Needless to say it was bad. I lost my home all my pets and now my children. I could no longer care for myself and had to allow them to leave with the ex. The ground on which I had stood up until this point was literally being spooned out from under me and before I knew it… I no longer knew me. The person staring at me in the mirror was someone I had never seen. It was frightening.
From this point on, every other year something really tragic has happened to my body and I have lived through it all to write now. One year I was on a very long atv ride in the mountains. About 50 miles in I hit a pothole and ended up breaking my back. Another year I became diabetic. Another year I got literally run over by a car while walking down the street. This year it’s cancer. You see a pattern right? It’s every second year. I make light of it by making sure everyone knows that out of all the crazy things out there to die from it will be a set of stairs or a bathtub that ultimately does me in.
So u can see how after two failed marriages, after having failed as a mom, as a daughter and sister, my self esteem points were dwindling while my guilt, and regret grew ever larger. The concern I felt for my own well being was lacking to say the least. I became homeless and wandered from place to place with no real goal or definition of a path. Just random places and people. It’s a dangerous place to be when the people you see all lose their individuality. They began to all look the same, act the same, and it didn’t matter… I said I believed but not once did I act on that. I just acted it out.